Akatsuki Employee Handbook
by Lady Khali
Summary: A guide to all things Akatsuki, including our internal rules and regulations. Written by Akatsuki members, for Akatsuki members, and subject to approval by senior management: Pain and Madara. All edits are final. Dispute at your own risk.
1. Welcome

Every organization has a how to behave to be a member of us... manual. Below is Akatsuki's.

Disclaimer: This site is called **Fan Fiction dot net**. If you cannot figure out from that that the following is a work of fan fiction and that the characters and the setting do not belong to khalida-dae, please contact your village head and inform him/her that your village is no longer missing its idiot.

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**Welcome to Akatsuki! Please read the following manual, sign, date, and return the form on the back indicating you have read and understood this manual in its entirety.**

WARNING: If you are reading this manual, it is assumed that you are a full member of Akatsuki. If you do not have this status, continuing reading is highly inadvisable as you have either:

A) killed one of our members and are currently going through his or her personal effects;

B) sneaked into headquarters and stolen a copy from our library;

C) stolen the personal effects of one our members; or

D) hacked into our main frame.

In the event of A, kindly stick around. Zetsu will be by shortly to discuss our employment offer. Although we will require that you read this at some point in the future, we prefer to explain the general nature of our organization first. This should reduce confusion on your part.

In the event of B, please fill out the following:

_Dear (insert next of kin and address here):_

_I regret to inform you that I made a grave error in judgment. Although I thought my target was unaware of my presence, they were. By the time you read this, I will have been tortured and killed, and my body will have been disposed of in an unidentifiable manner. The blood on this letter is mine and may be used for identification purposes._

_Sincerely,_

_(Sign your name above)_

In the event of C, fill out the following:

_Dear (insert next of kin and address here):_

_I am an idiot. I stole (list stolen items) from (insert Akatsuki member's name. If unknown, leave blank), an S-Class criminal and known member of Akatsuki. As penance for my many sins, (insert Akatsuki member's name) has permanently removed me from the gene pool. Hopefully my existence did not cause you any great difficulty._

_Sincerely,_

_(Sign your name above)_

_Akatsuki note: If the removal of the above named person is a cause of great joy, please donate to our cause using the attached envelop._

In the event of D, although we are not computer geeks and many of us are computer illiterate, we pride ourselves in our ability to hire good people who can and will track you down. We highly advise that you run, find a new profession, and a new name. If you provide a good enough chase, we may offer you a subordinate position. Your life depends entirely on your ability to entertain us. Now, get moving.

All authorized personnel (and you know who you are) are required to read this manual in its entirety and sign the attached sheet indicating you have both received and read it. (Yes, Hidan. You must read this manual.)

_**Note: Each section of this manual was originally written by individual members of Akatsuki and all contents appear in the order in which they were received. As such, it is subject to editing by senior management (aka. Pein and Madara). Any edits are final. Dispute at your own risk.**_


	2. Organizational Goals

**Organizational Goals by Madara Uchiha**

Utilize a combination of financial and military pressure to weaken the socioeconomic foundations of the five shinobi nations, eventually causing them to falter. Thus, increasing the power of Akatsuki relative to the power of the five shinobi nations and elevating Akatsuki to Great Power status. Once we have obtained Great Power status, through diplomatic, militaristic, and economic means Akatsuki will rise in stature until the five shinobi nations are largely defunct and/or irrelevant. At which time, Akatsuki will lead a unipolar system as opposed to the multipolar system currently in place, thereby reducing the large scale conflict potential that currently exists under the present multipolar system. Unipolar systems by their very nature cause numerous small scale conflicts. Engaging in these conflicts as both warriors and military-driven aid will continue to provide Akatsuki with power, visibility, and increased financial status while upholding the unipolar system with Akatsuki as the sole remaining Great Power.

_In normal people language:_

_Take away the jobs from the five nations. Attack them with the tailed beasts. Demolish them. Become the sole power that no one else can stand up against and quietly control everything._

_My apologies for the above. Madara is showing off, again._

_Pein_


	3. Proper Hygiene

Proper Hygiene by Konan

_Edited by Pain. All edits in italics._

_**Reedited by Konan. See bold italics.**_

The following rules are requirements, not guidelines or suggestions.

1) Regular bathing is required. Regular is defined as 1 bath and/or shower with soap every _other (Every day is a bit excessive.)_ day. _**Every day is not excessive and if a certain someone wants to sleep in the bed and not on the floor, he will rethink that idiotic comment. **__Fine, bathe every day except when prohibited by circumstances in the field._

_**Due to recent events (i.e. Hidan), all bathing and laundry must be done with water and approved soap as issued by Akatsuki's quartermaster. Blood is not now, nor will it ever be an acceptable liquid for cleansing one's person or clothing.**_

2) Uniforms and all uniform components should be laundered regularly.

3) The smell test does not determine the cleanliness of laundry. Laundry out of the dirty clothes basket, under your bed, or the pile in the corner of the room is not clean and you may not wear it. _The smell test is perfectly valid. Pick it up and sniff. If it smells clean, its clean. __**Ewe, you are so not coming near me smelling like a dirty laundry basket. **__Please disregard my previous edit. The smell test is not valid._

4) Uniforms stained with substance other than grass must be discarded and may no longer be worn. _Minor blood stains are okay. __**Minor bloodstains constitute bloodstains on the black portion of the robe that are invisible to the naked eye without a doujutsu. Uniforms with stained clouds must be disposed of. Torn uniforms must be replaced.**_

5) We do not care what type of underwear you wear, but you will wear it. _Hidan, this means you._

6) Shoes are required at all official functions and fights.

7) Shaving is required of all male members who can grow facial hair. _**Deidara and Itachi: In answer to your questions, no, you are not required to shave your peach fuzz.**_

8) Hair must be brushed daily. _Kakuzu, this means you._

9) Fingernails must be short, clean, and neatly trimmed. _**All dirt must picked out from underneath your nails prior to dining.**_

10) No jewelry. _Exceptions made for piercings, jashinist emblems, and floral necklaces. _

11) No strong perfumes or after shaves or any other commercial scent that is easily tracked.

12) Scent-free deodorant must be worn at all times.

13) Forehead protectors must be cleaned once a week.

14) All ninja tools should be sharp and free of blood, entrails, etc. _For the clarification purposes, Samehada is a ninja tool. Scythes are also ninja tools. _


	4. Dress Code

**Dress Code by Orochimaru**

_Edited by Pain_

_**Updated by Sasori (re: Orochimaru's departure)**_

The following constitute the Akatsuki uniform and must be worn at all times:

1) Chain mail mesh undershirt and leggings.

2) Black pants.

3) Black shirt of your choice (optional and we'd prefer you didn't wear it). _Shirts are not optional. The pervert spent too many developmental years hanging around my first sensei. You must wear it! __**Exception made for Hidan due to high cost of replacement shirts after rituals. **_

4) White stirrups. _Itachi and Kisame: We do mean __white__ stirrups, not off-white or any other assimilation of colors you two cook up because you never learned how to properly sort laundry. Here's a tip. Wash the stirrups in bleach.__** He meant wash the stirrups in bleach separately from the rest of your clothing and no, you may not wear any of the clothing with bleach spots.**_

5) Standard issue ninja sandals. _Exception made for Konan who kindly pointed out that standard issue women's footwear has heels. You may wear men's if you prefer._

6) Akatsuki ring worn on assigned finger. _**As Orochimaru has since discovered, this cannot be removed, so this goes without saying.**_

7) Scored forehead protector of your former village. _Exception made for Sasori. We didn't realize you hated your village so much you no longer had one. **Actually, he does have one. He just can't find it. **Exception stricken. Sasori, find your hitae-ate! Exception made for Zetsu. **Zetsu, at some point you will have to tell us where you come from...**  
_

8) Standard issue black with red clouds cloak. Cloaks should fall to midshin. Recently there has been some debate on using billowy cloaks as opposed to form fitting. All cloaks must be form fitting and should clearly delineate shoulders and waist line with a slight flare to ease the cloak over the hip area. On males, only buttons at waist height and below should be buttoned. _Disregard above. You must wear the standard issue cloak (black with red clouds). Cloaks should fall to mid shin. All cloaks should be tastefully tailored and not form fitting. Use your own judgment. Cloaks should be worn mostly buttoned. __**Exception made for Sasori's puppet shell. Cloak length may touch the ground. Cloaks may be removed during intense battle situations. If you remove your cloak, your death is imminent. **_

9) Rice farmer's hat with hanging cloth strips that obscure your face and a small hanging bell.

10) Delectable bow accenting the waist and buttocks area. _No. Just no. __**Absolutely, under no circumstances are you to wear this!!**_

**Zetsu, I understand your argument about how tunneling traps dirt inside your cloak. Although you have my sympathies on your plight, I expect you to continue wearing the cloak at all times. If you have an idea for a minor (i.e. INVISIBLE) alteration that will prevent this problem, you have my blessing, but keep in mind what I will do to you if I notice it. **

**Madara**


	5. Duties and Responsibilities

**Duties and Responsibilities by Kisame Hoshigaki**

_Edited by Pain_

_**Updated by Kisame Hoshigaki**_

**Additional Update by Madara Uchiha**

Like all organizations, Akatsuki has certain expectations. The duties and responsibilities that follow are a basic list of those expectations and are in no way intended to be comprehensive. Some members are more responsible than others and have additional duties not described herein. Those of you with additional duties (and you know who you are) are still responsible for those duties regardless of whether or not they are listed below.

1. Do not undertake any activities detrimental to Akatsuki ("the Organization") or the Organization's Goals as described in Section 2 of this manual. _For those of you who do not know, detrimental means "tending to cause harm". Please do not ask any more questions regarding common definitions. There is a dictionary in every Akatsuki base for this purpose. Alternatively, you may ask your partner. __**Don't be surprised if your partner beats you up for asking a stupid question.**_

2. If you question whether or not an activity would harm the Organization, don't do it without discussing it with either Pain or Madara first. **Until further notice, see Kisame Hoshigake for preliminary approval. He may or may not, at his discretion, refer the matter to me for final approval. Due to recent events, no outside activities may be undertaken without approval from Madara Uchiha. Yes, Sasuke. This section was revised because of you. **

3. Think with your brain, not your hormones, gut feeling, personal ambitions, or any other nonsense. _Hidan, your brain is located in your head, not lower down. __**Until further notice, all decisions for Hidan will be made by his partner Kakuzu. Apparently, he deprived his brain of oxygen one too many times and is now sorely lacking mental capacity. **_**Juugo, you pointed out that while transformed, you were not rational. You are correct in this statement and will not be held to this rule while transformed. During all other times, we expect you to abide by it.**

4. Bi-weekly visits to a local psychologist of the Organization's choosing are optional, but may be required from time to time at the sole discretion of senior management. _Due to the manner of both Sasori and Deidara's deaths, it is now mandatory for all non-management members to attend bi-weekly sessions with a designated psychologist. See Konan to schedule your appointments. __**Dude, you think you're a god. Don't you think that warrants a little counseling? **_**Pain, in answer to your earlier question, no, you may not kill or harm Kisame for his insinuations. Therapy is mandatory for all active members and associates and that includes you. If it makes you feel better, Konan and I will both go to your first session and hold your hand. Be good and maybe the psychologist will give you a lollipop afterward.**

5. Each member who is not part of senior management must capture their assigned tailed beast. _This is not negotiable._

6. Proper hygiene and the dress code are not suggestions. Follow them. _Neither I nor any other member will protect you from Konan's wrath if you don't. Believe me when I say she will personally scrub your skin RAW._

7. Each member should undertake the following:

A) Identify and collect appropriate bounties. _Kakuzu, you may NOT collect bounties placed on other members. I know Itachi's is particularly high at the moment, but NO!_

B) Identify and call to the attention of senior management potential new members. _Several of you have recommended Subaku no Gaara and Naruto Uzamaki as potential members. Regardless of their power, they are not now nor will they ever be candidates. __**Correction: Due to his resurrection, in the highly unlikely event that he deserts his village, bijuu-less Gaara may be considered for membership.**_

C) Recruit new members as ordered. _Deidara, blowing them up without warning is not an acceptable recruiting practice._

D) Gather intelligence. _**This does not apply to Hidan. **_**Members of Team Hawk are not subject to this rule as their hormones interfere with their cognitive abilities.**

E) Understand the basic political structure of the five shinobi nations and their allies and how to exploit it. _**Classes will be held each Monday from 0800 to 1700 with a one hour lunch break beginning immediately. Instructors: Kisame Hoshigake and Madara Uchiha. **_**Attendance is mandatory for all members of Team Hawk!**

F) Memorize all S and A-rank shinobi listed in our bingo book. _See Konan for stiff paper to make flash cards. Bingo Book Memory is quite fun and a wonderful way to brush up._

G) Recommend additions to our bingo book. _Konoha's Team Gai and Team Kakashi are already in our Bingo Book. This includes the pink-haired brat. Please don't recommend her again. Shikamaru Nara is also in the bingo book, as are the Sand Siblings._

H) Retain control of your temper during meetings with other members.

8. Do not leave evidence of Akatsuki techniques behind on the battlefield. Unless you are deceased, you are responsible for the clean-up. _Zetsu is responsible for body removal, but you are responsible for summoning him. If you fail to summon him, you will spend the next three weeks as Akatsuki's self-healing practice dummy._

9. While in the hideout, each member is responsible for the following:

A) Washing your own dishes.

B) Removing towels and other laundry from the common bathroom. Under no circumstances should you leave your dirty underwear on the floor for someone else to trip over.

C) When drinking milk, use a glass, not the jug. Other people live here to.

D) Clean up the kitchen after cooking and/or preparing food.

E) All jutsu other than genjutsu is strictly prohibited within hideouts unless you have prior approval. This means no exploding clay, great fire balls, puppet 'shows', water dragons, or any other jutsus on the restricted list. For a complete list of restricted jutsu, see Konan. _Due to the tsukuyomi incident__, genjutsu is now forbidden.__ (Deidara, I really am sorry. I honestly did not expect Itachi and Kisame to team up and shave a stripe down the middle of your head.)  
_

F) Properly re-shelve books when using the common library. The system is very basic. Locate the shelf with the same letter as is on the spine of the book. Then, put the book in numerical order using the number printed below the letter. If you cannot follow these instructions, do not use the library.

G) Do not eat Zetsu's human food. If you don't know why, feel free to ask, but keep a barf bag handy. _**Do not eat anything out of the green refrigerator. That's Zetsu's.**_

10. Several members of Akatsuki are overly religious. It is unwise to insult their religious preferences and tolerance should be practiced by you as it will not be practiced by them. _Please refrain from insulting this god's angel, as well._

11. The following activities, while not explicitly banned, are not recommended:

A) Placing icy hot on another member's deodorant or in his jock strap.

B) Saran wrapping toilet seats and/or urinals.

C) Coating the floor of a member's sleeping quarters with tar while the member is asleep.

D) Sushi jokes.

E) Knock-knock jokes using Sasori's head as the door.

F) Switching the hot and cold waterpipe hookups on the showers.

G) Serving poison to other members.

H) Placing super glue on another member's weapons, cloak, gloves, hat, shoes, toes while sleeping, or jock strap.

I) Placing random objects in front of Itachi's door. Trust me, he gets very angry when he falls on his face.

J) Using genjutsu to encourage another member to sleep while your partner shaves a stripe down his head.

K) Dousing Konan's paper with water and/or honey.

L) Burying Pain's spare bodies.

M) Gopher trapping Pain's spare bodies.

N) Using potted meat for cake filling while covering the cake with chocolate icing.

O) Hiding snakes inside weapons shipping boxes and pretending you aren't strong enough to open them.

P) Placing axle grease on another member's weapons or inside his or her shoes, hat, and/or gloves. **Placing it inside another member's mask is also highly inadvisable.**

12. While away from the hideout, you are a representative of Akatsuki and must act accordingly. This means under no circumstances should you undertake any of the following activities:

A) Rescuing kittens and/or puppies.

B) Helping old ladies cross the street.

C) Helping old ladies with their groceries.

D) Donating money to charitable causes. **Other than our own, of course.**

E) Comforting small children.

F) Singing with the local choir.

Note: Hitting on women while away from the hideout is still an acceptable activity provided you understand love 'em and leave 'em. If you don't understand this, see Hidan, our resident expert.


	6. How to Capture a Bijuu or Jinchuriki

**How to Capture a Bijuu/Jinchuriki**

**Retitled by Madara Uchiha: How to **_**NOT**_** Capture a Bijuu/Jinchuriki**

By Itachi Uchiha

_Edited by _Pain

_**Reedited by Madara Uchiha**_

The main mission for all Akatsuki members is capturing your assigned bijuu. For reference purposes, bijuu are essentially large masses of chakra that take on a unique shape and form. There is some debate regarding their decision making abilities and level of sentience. Evidence suggests this varies depending on the bijuu. Like people, some bijuu are simply smarter than others.

Step 1: Determine if your bijuu is trapped inside a jinchuriki.

This is fairly simple. Study the history of your bijuu. Most bijuu were given away by the first hokage with a lot of fanfare. Simply search old newspaper archives for this information. From there, document the bijuu's history. Most villages record the creation of jinchuriki and bijuu attacks. If the bijuu attacked another village and did not return to the village you are researching, begin researching the other village as it is likely the bijuu was captured by them. _This is a complete waste of time. Akatsuki already has this preliminary data._

Akatsuki has already completed the preliminary research and has most of this information in its libraries. _**The Akatsuki Library located in Rain now has the most up-to-date information on this topic. You are expected to read it and understand it. Direct all questions regarding the information to Madara Uchiha and Zetsu.**_

Step 2a: Locate the bijuu.

Determine the nature of your bijuu and locate its natural habitat. For example, Shukaku is a sand demon. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that he prefers the desert. Kyubi is a fox. Foxes live in forests… You get the picture. _Although the information within this section is true, please remember that there is more than one desert, forest, ocean, etc. Your search should include all possible habitats and not just a specific set of coordinates. __**This information is easily purchased, but use our money wisely. Purchasing information that any seven-year-old can figure out is highly discouraged.**_

Step 2b: Locate the jinchuriki.

Jinchuriki are more difficult to locate than their bijuu counterparts. The simplest way is to be present during their creation. Baring that, observing who the village ostracizes is a fairly accurate way of locating your jinchuriki.

By nature, all jinchuriki are quiet, unassuming loners. They do not seek out human companionship. They dress in somber colors and try to blend in with the background, preferring to not stand out. _**Please disregard. Obviously, Itachi was too blind to notice that his jinchuriki is a loud, annoying blond kid whose clothing of choice is bright orange. Not that anyone in Akatsuki is complaining about his easily spotted outfit or brash manner.**_

Note: Although there is a standard procedure for capturing your jinchuriki, there is not one for capturing a bijuu.

Step 3: Capturing your jinchuriki.

1. Calmly waltz into your jinchurki's village. _Akatsuki do not waltz. We stalk. _

2. Pick a fight (optional). _**Pick a fight with your jinchuriki.**_

3. Inform the strongest ninja in the village that you are there to capture (insert Jinchuriki's name here). _And you would do this why? __**This is not standard procedure! Do not inform anyone why you are there.**_

4. Forget jinchuriki's address, bright orange clothing, and blonde hair. _**Unfortunately, Akatsuki was lax about some things in the past. Do not forget any details regarding your jinchuriki. If you do, you will answer to me.**_

5. Knock out your jinchuriki's sensei. _This may be necessary, but certainly is not a required step._

6. Alert the sannin (or their equivalent) that said jinchuriki is your target, thereby forcing them to keep watch over your jinchuriki. Important: the ninja you alert must be one that you and your partner cannot defeat without perishing in the attempt! _**What the heck! Completely disregard this utter nonsense. If I, Madara, find that anyone is so blatantly stupid as to follow this directive, I will personally roast you and give your guts to Kisame for fishing line! Er… Kisame, you do fish, right?**_

7. Temporarily separate your target from his protector. Genjutsu works well for this. _May be necessary. __**Jinchuriki do not normally have protectors.**_

8. Politely knock on the door, giving your jinchuriki ample time to escape through other doors and windows. _**Do not do this. Politeness is vastly overrated. If you do follow this directive, see 6 for description of bodily harm and yes, I can catch you.**_

9. If he answers the door, curse the gods for assigning you the idiot jinchuriki. Seriously, what type of ninja would open the door without checking who it is first? _**As funny as this is, if you are fortunate enough to have an idiot for a jinchuriki, use it to your advantage.**_

10. Speak calmly with your Jinchuriki and instruct him to come with you. _This may work under certain circumstances and could be highly effective when combined with genjutsu._

11. When he refuses, do not use your strongest weapons. Simply continue the discussion with him until his protector arrives. _**DISREGARD! **_Pain_**, assign someone else to rewrite this section!!**_

12. When his protector arrives, run. Don't fight. _**Repeat after me. "Akatsuki are real men. Real men do not run like scarred pussy cats." **__Konan requests that I remind you that some Akatsuki members are women. __**Revise to "I am Akatsuki. Akatsuki do not run from fights." **__Kisame requested that I remind you that you have run away from several fights, but wishes to add that he totally supports this new fighting philosophy. __**He would say that.**_

13. Repeat the above as necessary.

Step 4: Once you have captured your jinchuriki or your bijuu, as the case may be, knock him/her/it out, summon Zetsu to transport your target to Rain or lug your target to the local hideout. Hopefully, your target will remain unconscious.

Step 5: Extract and seal the bijuu. See Leader for a complete discussion on this topic.

Step 6: Repeat above as necessary.

_**Would someone explain to me why Itachi was assigned to write this section? He was obviously highly unqualified as not only did he repeatedly fail to capture his bijuu, but his loyalty to the organization was highly suspect. Assign someone who has actually captured their bijuu to rewrite this section immediately! Under no circumstances should anyone believe the information in step 2 or follow step 3! Sasuke, do not follow in your brother's footsteps on this one! Pain, I understand that your target's hair clashes with his outfit. If you forget what clashing hair looks like, buy a mirror! I will not accept failure to track down what has to be the loudest, most obnoxious, and most visible ninja in the history of shinobi. If you cannot find an orange clad ninja in the middle of a green leafy forest, get your eyes checked!**_

_**Madara**_


	7. Holidays and Leave Policies

Author's Note: The below holidays were pulled off of various religious calendars for humorous purposes only.

Disclaimer: This site is called** Fan Fiction dot net**. If you cannot figure out from that that the following is a work of fan fiction and that the characters and the setting do not belong to Khalida-dae, please contact your village head and inform him/her that your village is no longer missing its idiot.

**

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Holidays and Leave Policies**

By Hidan

Word Processor Setting: Language Filter ON

_Edited by Konan_

_**Recommended Revisions by Kakuzu**_

**Edited by Madara**

All below holidays are observed as paid holidays. Attending appropriate, non-heathen religious ceremonies is compulsory. _**All holidays are unpaid until further notice! WE WILL NOT PAY FOR YOUR INDULGENCES! **_**Disregard Kakuzu's comment. Holidays are paid, just not the list below.**

1. Imbolc - Feb. 2nd - Jashinist Day of Indulgence and Fertility.

Appropriate observance: Two dawn human male Rituals followed by appropriate readings and repeated intercourse with a virgin. Retain virgin until Walpurgis. If virgin is pregnant, keep her and do not use her for Walpurgis. Wait until child is born and use mother for Ritual during child's Dedication Ceremony. Otherwise, use her on Walpurgis. _What?! This is not in any way a proper observance of a holiday. To Pain__ (and any other attached male in the Organization), observing any holiday in this fashion will result in you losing several key parts of your anatomy on ALL your bodies. _

2. Spring Equinox - Mar. 20th/21st - Jashinist New Year/The First Day of Spring

Appropriate observance: On the hour Rituals beginning at dawn until dusk.

3. Walpurgis Night) - Apr. 30th - Jashinist Day of Lust and Indulgence.

Appropriate observance: One dawn human male Ritual followed by orgy. Use all orgy members for midnight Ritual. _Hidan, I sincerely hope your intent here is not an Organization orgy. If it is, papercuts are the least of your worries._

4. Beltane - May 1st - Jashinist Day of Fertility and Growth.

Appropriate observance: One dawn human male Ritual followed by intercourse with a female. Spend remainder of day reflecting on how Jashin influences your life and what you can do to better serve Jashin (i.e. Rituals, having babies, and converting others to Jashinism). _No, just no._

5. Summer Solstice - Jun. 21st - Jashinist Day of Celebrating One's Sense of Humor

Appropriate observance: Begin day with Ritual. Spend remainder of day torturing appropriate candidate with promises of freedom and other humorous torture anecdotes. Remember the point is to entertain Jashin, not the candidate. Perform Ritual using candidate at midnight. _This holiday might actually be appropriate and in line with the Organization's goals…_

6. Lammas - Aug. 1st - Jashinist Day of Celebrating Being Predators Not Prey

Appropriate observance: Locate appropriate candidates for Rituals and stalk them throughout the day performing the Ritual twice per hour. _As previously noted, Akatsuki do stalk. However, this is not the correct context._

7. Autumnal Equinox - Sept. 22nd - Jashinist Day of Reflection

Appropriate observance: Perform both dawn and midnight Rituals. Spend the day reflecting on your service to Jashin and whether it warrants His continued protection. _As none of the other members have any affiliation with Jashin, this is so not happening._

8. Halloween - Oct. 31st - Jashinist Day of the Dead

Appropriate observance: Perform dawn, sunset, and midnight Rituals. Spend remainder of day tallying total rituals performed over lifetime. _Theoretically, we could all sit around and tally our kills, but this is expecting a bit much. None of us remember everyone we've killed in the past six weeks, much less the past year._

9. Winter Solstice - Dec. 21st - Jashinist Day Celebrating Being Self-Emancipated

Appropriate observance: Perform both dawn and midnight Rituals. Spend day in prayer to Jashin. Pray that your self-direction continues to follow His will. _Not happening._

10. Yule - Dec. 21 to Jan. 2 - Jashinist Celebration of the Death of the Earth

Appropriate observances: Perform dawn, sunset, and midnight rituals daily. Initiate all converts beginning with convert fasting on Dec. 21 and 22. Followed by small daily blood sacrifices leading up to the final Ritual on Jan. 2._ Definite no._

As Copied by Hidan from "The Book of Jashin." _Well, this certainly explains a lot, including why I'd never heard of any of the above holidays. _**Actual holidays are attached to the end of this document. None of the above are observed by Akatsuki. **_**Hidan, after much discussion (not really), you will not receive paid leave for any of the above. **_

Akatsuki follows a liberal leave policy and applying for and taking leave does not affect our pay. Leave may be taken for the following reasons: _Leave must be cleared with both Pain__ and Madara and may not interfere with regular duties._

1) medical appointments, _Only use cleared doctors._

2) major surgery, _Only use cleared doctors and always have your partner or another member of the organization with you. __**See Kakuzu prior to the procedure for financial clearance. **_

3) screwing with your younger brother's head, **Itachi, this is marginally permissible provided you do not discuss certain family matters of which I know you are aware.**

4) gathering clay, _Deidara, you do not need to request leave to gather weapons. _**Zetsu requests that you return his shovels and hang them on their designated hooks in the shed. Note the labels matching the each shovel to its designated hooks.**

5) personal improvement, _After careful consideration, yes, Sasori, turning yourself into a puppet and updating your weapons is personal improvement._

6) Rituals gone wrong, _Please let it go wrong…fatally wrong. __**All of his rituals go fatally wrong for both parties. He is costing us a fortune in thread.**_

7) bounty hunting,

8) hammock napping, **Kisame, if you really desire to spend your life in a hammock, I'm sure we can arrange to bury you in one.**

9) raiding dango shops, and **Itachi, do this on your own time, not mine!**

10) recovering from Partner Abuse. _Hidan, although I am certain you spend a great deal of time recovering from this, it is not an acceptable reason for leave. _**Besides, Deidara is worse than Kakuzu ever hoped to be. As long as mental abuse is all in good fun, it is permissible.**

For all other needs, contact Leader.

_The following is the approved list of holidays:_

_New Year's Day - Jan. 1_

_Vernal Equinox - Around March 21_

_Akatsuki Founder's Day May 3_

_Respect-for-theAged Day - Third Monday of September_

_Autumnal Equinox - Around September 23_

_Feast Day - Nov. 23_

_Madara's Birthday - Dec. 24  
_

_The following holidays are also approved_

_Rain Independence Day - Feb. 11 _**Pain, I suppose this is permissible as your little liberation did provide us with a nice base of operations.**

_Greenery Day - May 4 _**Fine! Zetsu, Greenery Day is now on the calendar. Now, cease your inane comments about my Birthday, Respect-for-the-Aged Day, and all the other little comments about my age! Yes, I'm old. We all get it. Now, stop making jokes about it. And FYI, I am not older than dirt!**

_Marine Day - Third Monday of July _**Kisame, this was added just for you. Expect lots of sushi.**

**We do not celebrate Coming-of-Age Day or Children's Day. Have children. Raise them in Akatuski. Then, we'll discuss reinstatement.**


	8. Appropriate Self Expression

Disclaimer: This site is called Fan Fiction dot net. If you cannot figure out from that that the following is a work of fan fiction and that the characters and the setting do not belong to the manual author, please contact your village head and inform him/her that your village is no longer missing its idiot.

!-- Begin Shameless Plug --

On a lighter note, I've actually reposted Akatsuki Web Design. While it is still a crack fic in many ways, it is a bit darker than the original. In other words, I was trying really hard to write a pure crack fic and couldn't, so I went back and wrote it the way I saw it from the beginning.

!-- End Shameless Plug --

This little section is for Rahab's Rehab whose PM inspired me to write something authored by Deidara. (I don't think this is exactly what you had in mind, but I'm still playing with your idea.)

Just a note: Madara's birthday in the last chapter is canon! (See the 3rd Databook) (Just a pet peeve of mine: canon vs. cannon usage. Canon means the collection or list of a given author that is generally accepted as genuine. A cannon is a large, heavy piece of artillery.)

* * *

**Appropriate Self-Expression: A Short Essay on the Joys and Methods of Artistic Expression**

_The title is "Appropriate Self-Expression"._

By Deidara

_Edited by Sasori_

_**Edited by Pain**_

**Revised by Madara**

Artistic expression, or as some morons call it, self-expression, is vital to daily existence and must be constantly practiced. Within Akatsuki, there are many acceptable manners of artistic expression that are encouraged by the organization. With a little creativity, you can work your preferred method of artistic expression into your duties.

Art is fleeting. Therefore, your manner of artistic expression should also be fleeting. _Wrong! Art is eternal. _Thus, while tattoos, piercings, and other forms of body modification, including turning yourself into a puppet, are all interesting forms of self-mutilation, they are not elevated to true artistic expression until they are appropriately destroyed. _Turning yourself into a puppet is trying to achieve the ultimate form of art, not self-mutilation. __**Body modification is the ultimate form of self-expression! All members of Akatsuki are hereby required to have at least one stud. **_**Pain, we've already had this discussion. You are not to go near any member while having on your person any of the following objects: senbon, needles, canula, dermal punch, or any other tool designed to poke small holes and insert barbells. Kisame wishes me to remind you of the bite scar he left on your left hand when you attempted to give him a nose bridge. I'm certain I do not need to remind you of the minor burns you received from me when you suggested piercing my tongue. Keep the needles away from me! **Small explosives strategically placed on the mutilated body part are excellent for this. Embed fireworks for an extra touch. Assisting other Akatsuki members with their artistic expression is an integral duty. Should the opportunity arise to say blow up Sasori or separate Leader's nose from his face, take it! _What! _Only by doing this can you be true to the Akatsuki ideals. Keep in mind that although they may be rolling on the ground in pain, you helped them create true art. They will thank you later. _If you try this, make sure I'm dead. If not, I promise you will die a thousand deaths and beg for everyone of them. __**Agreed, Sasori.**_

Within Akatsuki, we have several unique items that make excellent candidates for true art. Take, for example, our sealing statue. Rising up from the ground at the command of our Leader, the sealing statue is carved malevolence. _**Glad you approve. **_Now, imagine how beautiful it would look showering down on the surrounding landscape, little flames licking out and a giant mushroom dissipating overhead. _The statue is art already. Leave it alone. _That would be true art. Unfortunately, I have yet to find the time to create this lovely masterpiece, but should the opportunity arise, don't hesitate to take it. _**Under no circumstances should you or anyone else blow up the sealing statue! **_**Do you have any idea what would happen to all the little beasties we've sealed if you blow up that statue?! We would be fighting all of them at once! As I've said before, Deidara, you idiot! Stay away from the statue. Pain, do not leave Deidara alone with the statue. **_**Well, who else can I leave to guard it? Konan isn't strong enough. You and I are busy running Rain and Mist. Zetsu's out on missions. You refuse to leave Itachi alone with the thing and Kisame and Sasori both refuse to babysit a chunk of wood. **_**We'll think of something. Maybe we were a bit hasty with the Orochimaru descision. He didn't mind statue sittting. **Other potential candidates include Hidan's _Grimoire_, Tobi's mask, Konan's origami collection, Sasori's puppet collection (particularly, his little chibi doll body), and Zetsu's orchid and bonsai collections. _Keep your slimy hands off my body, you cretin!! __**Konan has a sign over her collection saying "Touch at Your Own Risk". She means it. Touching her origami collection is not worth the bloodshed it will cause. **_**Leave my er… Tobi's mask alone! **Unfortunately, neither Itachi nor Kisame possess anything worthy of true art. All they ever buy are books and mountains of jutsu and politics textbooks can never become true art; however, they would make great fire starters… _Too true!_

Blowing up villages is not just a recreational activity. _**Blowing up villages is not a recreational activity! **_Done properly, this can become true art. Remember, practice makes perfect, so feel free to test your abilities on the neighboring villages. **Check with either myself or Pain prior to blowing up or attacking ****any**** village. We have few allies as it is, and this would be an idiotic way to loose one. **For proper boom-factor, villages should be bombed from a height not less than 3000 feet. I recommend my specialty for this, but as not everyone has my abilities, I suppose one of the lesser incendiary devices could work. The explosion should be accompanied by a giant ball of white light complete with mushroom cloud. If there isn't a mushroom cloud, you didn't do your job! Verifying your latest artistic achievement is easy.

1) The explosion should light up the area brighter than daylight.

2) The shock wave should topple buildings and trees within a thirty kilometer radius.

3) Everyone in the village should be dead.

4) The village should be a giant, glass crater. _Unless you intend to only bomb desert villages, environmental conditions are not always right for glass. If your intent is desert villages, remind me to give you my detailed map of Sand._

Dying is your final opportunity to go out with a bang. You are your own ultimate work of art and you must strive to elevate yourself as much as possible. Your ultimate art cannot be topped by anyone else and should encompass all the elements above while taking out your intended target. In this way, you honor your opponent by creating not one, but two perfect examples of true art.

**In retrospect, the above paragraph explains a lot. For future reference, you are not your own ultimate work of art. If you share the same views as the above lunatic, your purpose while in Akatsuki is to create more art and your demise would make it impossible to further fulfill your purpose. Pain, why didn't you send Deidara for counseling when you read this? Clearly, the boy needed psychiatric help!**

_**Madara, you were his partner and never saw any signs he was suicidal. If you didn't see it, how exactly was I supposed to? It's not like I saw him on a daily basis. If anyone is to blame for not noticing his suicidal tendencies, it's you.**_

**I didn't select him. You did. Therefore, you, as Leader, were responsible for the mental health of your subordinates, and you failed abysmally at that task. Need I remind you that according to Leaf's reports, Sasori permitted his grandmother to stab him, thus ending his life. When both team members commit suicide, it is a sign of poor leadership and as they were reporting to you at that time, the blame falls clearly on you.**

**In light of Deidara's death, this section needs to be updated. At this time, we have no Akatsuki personnel available for this assignment. Pain, please assign this section to either Juugo or Konan at your leisure. You may choose someone else, but kindly do not assign it to either Sasuke or Zetsu as neither revenge nor cannibalism are appropriate forms of self-expression. **


	9. Fiscal Responsibility

Dedicated to carriemehome. My apologies if it falls short of your original request.

It took me forever to write this little piece. It started off so technical that several of my friends were cross-eyed by the third sentence. A few rewrites later, we have this little bit of madness. Enjoy.

Keep in mind, most of these would've been written at or before the beginning of Naruto and updated/edited as necessary afterward.

Disclaimer: This site is called **Fan Fiction dot net**. If you cannot figure out from that that the following is a work of fan fiction, and the characters and the setting do not belong to Khalida-dae, please contact your village head and inform him/her that your village is no longer missing its idiot. If you fail to understand the above, print this out, sign it, and take it to the nearest tattoo parlor.

_Dear Tattoo Artist,_

_I've found the village idiot. Please tattoo IDIOT in block print on my forehead._

_Sincerely,_

_Your Signature Here!  
_

* * *

**Fiscal Responsibility**

By Kakuzu

_Edited and Maintained by Kisame_

_**Edited by Pain**_

**Revisions by Madara**

As a member of Akatsuki, you, and only you, are responsible for tracking personal expenditures, filling out reimbursement forms, and submitting those forms for approval. No form, no approval! Keep in mind, we do not spend our money lightly. Each member receives a monthly stipend for food, clothing, and shelter. When combined with your partner's stipend, the amount is more than sufficient to provide adequate lodging and food. There is no reimbursement for food, shelter, or clothing. Use your stipend. For all other expenses, please fill out the form at the end of this document. _More than sufficient? He calls barely being able to get a haystack for the night sufficient! He's insane! The miserly little pittance he doles out isn't enough to feed a small goldfish, much less two grown men! __**As painful as it to admit, you are right. **_**Stop complaining, Pain. At least your partner's female. All Akatsuki members will be completely reimbursed for out of pocket lodging, food, clothing, and weapons expenses incurred while on assigned missions. For all other expenses, you're on your own. **_Due to Kakuzu's demise, the monthly stipend is no longer in effect. Please use the generous mission accounts setup for each team. _**Karin, we will not reimburse you for the resort. Just for the record, I do not now, nor will I ever, desire your genes mixed with my bloodline, so don't expect reimbursement for any future seduction attempts. In fact, I'd highly recommend that you think prior to submitting any more spurious requests. **_You may want to refrain from calling him a senile old bat, as well. _**That would be advisable.**

All members are required to deposit their pay in one of Akatsuki's numerous investment accounts. _Allow me to translate. This means you never see your paycheck. Kakuzu takes your paycheck and 'invests' it. Now, there is little distinction between his personal accounts and the organization's accounts, so I highly doubt you will ever actually see your paycheck. __**He doesn't take mine or Konan's. **__News Flash, Leader. He takes everyone else's. It's like being an indentured servant. _**Kakuzu, I realize not everyone has lived as long as we have. Thus, they may lack the cash reserves necessary to support an adequate lifestyle. Give them their money, as in withdraw it from the bank, count it out, place it in their hands, and allow them to walk away. Before you ask, no, you may not simply create clones of the members and give the money to the clone who would then return it to you. Kisame, I hope this satisfies you. **_You forgot to mention the interest… _**Revise the above to include all monies and the interest accrued on them held for any member of the organization. Happy now, Kisame? **_Quite._

All members are responsible for identifying new financial opportunities. Common opportunities are bounties, potential missions, extortion opportunities, blackmail, protection offerings, information gathering/sales, theft, and investment opportunities. As some members are unclear what constitute the above, allow me to clarify.

Bounties are the most wonderful opportunity. You chase down your subject and deliver them for the required fee. This is an easy way to make money! Please note, if the bounty requires that the subject be alive and you deliver them dead, you will not be paid. I recommend the dead or alive scenario. If you can tolerate the stench, dead bodies are blessedly silent and trouble-free, as opposed live ones. The live ones will do anything to save their necks including offering you cash. If you have one of these, take the cash. Release them. Track them back down a few minutes later and deliver them to the client. Getting paid multiple times is never a bad thing! Keep in mind that as an organization filled with S-class criminals, you always have ample bounty opportunities at your fingertips. Itachi and Deidara both have a wonderful knack for ticking off entire villages in thirty seconds or less, and the bounties on their heads reflect this. Unfortunately, not all members have high bounties. Madara, Pain, Konan, and Zetsu do not have known bounties at this time, but I expect that to change in the near future. _**Under no circumstances will you or anyone else collect a bounty on a current member. If you are attempting to collect one on Orochimaru, I get him first! **__No member may collect a bounty on a jinchuriki! _**In response to Kisame's recent inquiry regarding Sasuke's bounty, yes, Kisame, if you can persuade Sasuke to peacefully accompany you to either Sound or Leaf, I see no reason why you shouldn't collect his bounty, provided the escape plan for both of you is fool proof. **_**Oddly enough, I'm okay with this idea. Just keep the annoying brats out of my way!**_

All potential missions must be approved by senior management before they are accepted. We will accept any mission, including menial D-rank tasks like dog walking, if the price is high enough. All potential missions must be listed out and reported to Leader on a weekly basis. _**I prefer a spreadsheet with the following columns: Date Requested, Requestor, Pay, Mission Description, Mission Ranking.**_ Finding potential missions is relatively easy. You should use your spies in various villages and steal the missions from the village.

Extortion opportunities are easy to identify. Walk into any business, identify yourself as Akatsuki, and offer to not destroy the premises if they will pay your fee. _You must actually be willing to follow through with your threat! __**Deidara, it is not ethical to accept the money and blow up the establishment. You must choose one or the other. The Organization has a reputation to maintain, and your recent actions damaged it! **_**Until further notice, all extortion opportunities must be cleared with a senior member. Senior members are Pain, Konan, Zetsu, Kisame, and Madara. We know who we have established relationships with and who we don't. Until you learn this, you may not engage in extortion.**

Blackmail is just as valid in adult life as it was during childhood, and the same principles apply. Take pictures or video or steal damaging documents. Then, offer to not reveal the documents to whomever your target is concealing the information from in exchange for money. Overtime, escalate the price, but keep in mind that your subject must be able to pay the price. Blackmail works best on kages, daimyos, heads of criminal organizations, and the second-in-commands of the previous.

Protection offerings are similar to extortion opportunities except the you are being paid money to prevent someone else from attacking. _**Itachi, Kakuzu would like me to remind you that dango coupons are not an acceptable form of currency. In the future, please demand cash, as opposed to a five year's supply of dango. **__Hey! At least we can eat dango. Ever tried getting money out of Kakuzu?! What was that… a 'no'… I didn't think you had! _**In light of Itachi's demise, the dango coupons are now in the community kitchen, top drawer next to the refrigerator. Members are encouraged to demand cash, but goods are acceptable.**

Information gathering/sales (aka spying) is an excellent way to acquire additional cash. All information is for sale, and we do expect you to sell that information to the highest bidder. **All information is not for sale. If you sell any information on Akatsuki, our members, activities, or personal hobbies, we will personally hunt you down and mount your head on a spike overlooking Rain's main gate. Pain, please keep a spike reserved for this purpose. **_**Kisame, after much discussion, Madara and I have decided it is permissible to sell pictures of Suigetsu in his SpongeBob underwear. **__Yes! There is a god!_

Theft is generally not a good way to acquire money, unless you are stealing money. If you must steal, please do not steal rare items. The rarer the item, the harder it is to sell. Items have no value to the organization unless they can be easily sold. Please do not steal the following: rare scrolls, rare jewels, and rare weapons. _No live animals either!_

Investment opportunities are my specialty. These include currency markets, bonds, stocks, corporate lending, small start-ups, and other market oriented investments. If you become aware of one of these, please bring it to my attention via letter. I will not discuss your pathetic attempts at investing in person. The letter should include the name of the company/individual, their contact information, and a brief business description. You are not qualified to determine whether or not an investment is suitable, and I neither need nor want your opinion. Do not offer it! _Someone was a bit full of himself. Presently, Zetsu and I are acting joint treasurers. Please bring all investment opportunities to our attention and provide as much analysis as possible on the investment. Thank you._

— Reimbursement Form —

The Reimbursement Form should be submitted for each item you purchased, not each receipt. If there are multiple items on a receipt, you must submit multiple forms. Staple the original receipt to the back of the Reimbursement Form. Photocopies may be used for subsequent forms.

Name

Date Form Submitted

Date of Purchase

Purchase Location

Item Description

Expenditure Justification _**Why was the purchase necessary?**_

Three Nearest Shops within a 100 Mile Radius Who Carry Said Item and Their Price for Said Item

For Administrative Use Only

Approved/Denied/Returned for Further Information

Failure to fill out this form in accordance with the instructions will result in a denied request. All decisions are final. If you request is denied, you may not resubmit the above paperwork!

_In the past, stapling your receipt to the front of the form was grounds for denial. Honestly, I do not care were the staple goes. Please put all items on the same form. The above was Kakuzu's attempt to deny every request. __**Too true! He actually told me that even though I have six active bodies, I only needed to clothe one! **__It's not like you couldn't afford to buy the clothing. He wasn't appropriating your paycheck. _**As entertaining as this is, this is not the appropriate forum. If you two wish to reminisce, do it on your time, not mine.**


	10. Sexual Conduct

My apologies for the long wait between updates. I am currently working on several other projects and my first novel is nearing completion, so there will be some delays updating my fan fics. I do have a live journal account (see profile for link) which uses the same screen name I use here. From time to time, I will be posting additional information and life updates there. I do not abandon fics, so this will be completed eventually.

I'd like to thank everyone whose reviewed, alerted, and/or favorited this story. Your overwhelming response rate is truly heartwarming.

_Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters and no one pays me to write this. _

**Author's Note: The following piece deals with appropriate sexual conduct and is intended to be both serious and humorous. Thanks to Mew Somomo for the inspiration!**

* * *

**Sexual Conduct**

By Konan

_Edited by Itachi_

**Edited by Konan**

_**Revisions by Madara**_

Many within the organization feel that a sexual harassment policy is unnecessary. As the only female in the organization, I strenuously disagree with their position. In my experience, the members who most vocally dispute the need for this policy are the primary reason why we need one.

_**Due to recent events concerning Orochimaru's abrupt departure from the organization, several clarifications are in order. The worldwide legal age of consent is 16 for males and females. That age **__**does**__** apply to Akatsuki members. As a representative of this organization, you are expected to conduct yourself properly. When in doubt, ask your prospective sexual partner how old they are. If a member or any other party is under age, they cannot consent to any form of sexual contact. **_**Remember boys! Trust, but verify. A wonder bra and some makeup can make a girl look older than she really is. Ask to see ID. Hint: If you picked her up at her parents home and they made you promise to have her home by 10, she's not legal.**

_**First offense: Minimum 30 days imprisonment (may be suspended).**_

_**Second offense: Minimum 20 lashes, 60 days imprisonment, 6 months as target practice.**_

_**Third offense: Minimum 40 lashes, Pedophile tattoo, 90 days imprisonment, 1 year as target for target practice.**_

_**Fourth offense: Appropriate medical surgery.**_

_**All cases involving members will be brought before our committee for judgment. Currently, the committee comprises myself, Madara Uchiha, Zetsu, Konan, and Itachi Uchiha. Our general assumption is that the first time you may have legitimate reasons for thinking a fifteen-year-old was sixteen, and we will listen to those reasons. After that point, you either prefer children or are just plain stupid. **_

Rules and Penalties (Penalties are indicated by **bold font**.):

1) A member's butt is their personal property. Keep your hands off. **All members are authorized to break whatever arm the hand is attached to.**

2) Do not grope another member without his or her explicit permission. **If the incident is minor, you may deliver a minor beating. Aside from that, deal with it however you prefer, but both members must be alive and capable of executing missions afterward. **

3) No pickup lines in the hideout. **The member who used the pickup line is required to wash all dishes and clean the kitchen after every meal for a period of not less than 1 week, but not more than 3 weeks at the discretion of the committee.**_The best part… between Hidan, Deidara, and Kisame I haven't had dish duty in three years. _

4) Do not under any circumstances imply that a member is less capable than another member solely on the basis of gender. A woman can do anything a man can do and look better doing it. **I can and will make you look like an idiot! Expect it.**_ That's a nice theory, Konan. I can do many things you can't and will always look better. _**You don't count. You're a he-she! **_**Enough! If you two really want to have a who's prettier contest, enter a beauty pageant on your time, not mine! Better yet, ask the magic mirror. (On second thought, scratch the last. It's recently come to my attention that Itachi and Konan are both spending inordinate amounts of time in the bathroom primping.)**_

5) Physical contact between members must be consensual. **Consult committee for appropriate punishment.**_ Translation: Do not hug, high five, etc. any member without his or her explicit approval. Kisame, this includes noogies. Please refrain from pulling me underneath your arm and rubbing your knuckles in my hair. I am not your little brother, nor do I want to be. One brother in my life is enough. In the future, please refrain from all displays of brotherly affection. _**Itachi, this actually refers to physical contact of a sexual nature, not brotherly displays of affection. Your argument would only be valid of Kisame's gate swung the other way and it doesn't. **_**Itachi, Konan's assessment is correct; however, I see your point about hugging and high fives. Those should be kept to an absolute minimum. As for Kisame, he's only doing that to irritate you. Obviously, it's working.**_

6) All sexual contact between members and/or members and outside parties must be consensual. This means all parties must consent. **Consult committee for appropriate punishment and to arrange counseling/restitution. **

7) Sexual contact between members and/or members and outside parties is only permitted if both parties are of legal age and physical maturity for said contact. **Consult committee for appropriate punishment and to arrange counseling/restitution.**

_In the case of Orochimaru vs. Itachi Uchiha, the committee found as follows:_

"_As an underage minor, Itachi Uchiha was well within his rights to protect his person, and while the loss of an arm is regrettable, it was entirely appropriate given the circumstances."_

_**Recently, questions have arisen due to this and several other legal age matters. Please see the second paragraph for appropriate guidance. When in doubt, keep it in your pants.**_

8) The above rules also apply to contact between members and non-members.

_Sexual Harassment Watch List _

_Directions: Post in a prominent place in all hideouts._

_Offenders:_

_Orochimaru - 2 proven cases of sexual contact with a minor; 10 pending pedophilia charges in Fire; 10 pending rape charges in Fire; 1 pending rape charge in Rain _**After due consideration, Orochimaru is banned from the main Rain Akatsuki base until further notice.**

_Hidan - 10 proven cases of groping; 25 bad pickup lines_

_Deidara - 5 pickup lines_

_Kisame - 8 pickup lines; 1 butt slap (already taken care of by Konan)_

**Madara Uchiha - sexist comments and archaic attitude towards women's rights. **_**Girl, I am significantly older than you and occasionally, I live in the past. As I also happen to be significantly more powerful than you, live with it!**_

**Karin - Multiple counts of unwanted physical contact and groping **

Notice for Publication on All Advertising Materials:

In the event of a sexual assault and/or rape complaint or charges against a member, please contact either Konan at the main Rain Base where she also serves as Rain's Chief Administrator/Angel or Madara Uchiha. Appointments can be made with either of these individuals. In the event the victim is unable to travel, please send us a letter by courier and we will come to you. _**As a shinobi organization, we do not offer any form of compensation or hearing for unlawful death, murder, etc.**_

_**Recently, it has come to my attention that several members remain confused as to our official policy towards rape. Please refer to rules 6 and 7. If these are not explicit enough... Regardless of your individual status as an S-Class criminal, we are not now, nor will we ever be an organization of rapists. We are civilized beings and all members are expected to act in a civilized fashion. If you truly feel that such an act is necessary to acquire information, use genjutsu. It feels just as real to the victim without the possibility of poisoning and disease. **_

_**For those of you who simply prefer more violent activities, there are numerous houses of ill repute that will cater to your every desire. Seek your outlets there! **_

_**Most Recent Committee Ruling:**_

_**Hidan's Usage of Akatsuki Interrogation Facility for BDSM **__**Activities **__(bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism, and masochism (i.e. really kinky stuff))___

_**Summary: Konan and Zetsu brought a prisoner to the Akatsuki Interrogation Facility and inadvertently walked in on Hidan and his latest friend. After an extended inquiry including the usage of tsukuyomi, the committee was satisfied that the contact between Hidan and his friend was consensual; however, the usage of Akatsuki Facilities for this questionable activity remains an issue.**_

_**Conclusion: Akatsuki Facilities are only to be used by members for legitimate organization business and getting laid does not constitute legitimate organization business. **_

_**Penalty: As there was no previous discussion regarding this matter, there will be no penalty imposed. In the future, the committee will determine appropriate penalties on a case-by-case basis.**_


	11. Economics 101

Okay, this is a serious piece. I'm presently writing my weekly economics column for the local newspaper (print only, freely distributed). It's a true community effort and our ad revenues barely cover production costs, so none of the writers or editors get paid. As I sit here digging through the flood of email (it's amazing what a credit crisis does for people's awareness levels), I'm appalled by how little most of my reader's actually understand economics. The first cut of my column was so incredibly sarcastic that I know it won't make it past the editor, so I'm rewriting it. I took most of the first cut and incorporated it in Kakuzu's little lesson below.

Author's Background: MA International Commerce and Policy (I'd just obtained Ph.D Candidacy in Economics (also known as ABD or all but dissertation) when I became ill and had to put that effort on hold). I've both interned and worked for the US government as an economist and in knowledge management. (Translation: Yes, I have the credentials to write the below (doesn't mean I should) and I've worked full-time and gone to school full-time since I was eighteen, which I don't recommend.)

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, nor do I make any money off this writing. I don't own the economic concepts discussed below. I've just studied them ad naseum and tried to make them more accessible.**

* * *

**Economics 101**

By Kakuzu

_Maintained by Kisame Hoshigaki_

**Observations by Madara Uchiha**

Recently, it has come to my attention that several members of Akatsuki (Deidara, Zetsu, and Konan) do not understand how our system works. Unfortunately, certain persons (Madara and Pein) believe it is my duty to inform you.

I'm going to keep this as simple as possible. If anyone wants further information, there are plenty of books in my office on the subject and I'll be happy to recommend one. Just leave a note on the door and I'll place the materials outside, thus limiting our interaction. _Kakuzu's books are now part of the Main Akatsuki Library. I have also expanded our collection to include more basic introductory books. A list is posted outside of my office. All members of Team Hawk are required to read them! _**No Sasuke, this isn't optional. Your lack of formal education is appalling and an embarrassment to the Uchiha name.**

Principle One - Supply and Demand: Imagine this as a giant see-saw. People (demand) are willing to buy an infinite quantity of cheap goods and firms (supply) are willing to supply an infinite quantity of really expensive goods. They find a middle ground (center of the see-saw) where the firms can afford to produce the good and the people can afford to buy some of it. No one's thrilled with this outcome, so everyone constantly tries to adjust things. If you increase the supply (imagine someone shifting the see-saw), you decrease the price. If you decrease the supply, you increase the price. Demand works the same way.

Let's say we have a large war and suddenly all the shinobi countries demand more kunai. (Buy stock in Kunai Factory.) They can get more kunai, but because everyone wants more, it will cost them more. (Sell stock in Kunai factory.) At the end of the war, there is a kunai surplus and kunai are extremely cheap. (By the way, this is a great time to stock up on weapons.) Many of the kunai factories will go out of business at this point as the see-saw evens out and everyone returns to the balance point (center of the see-saw).

Principle Two - Money Supply and Central Banks: For starters, Central Banks are the lenders of last resort. It is impossible to have a credit crisis without the Central Bank being involved. Why? Because at some point all the banks who couldn't get credit on that particular day had to go to the Central Bank and beg for short-term loans to make ends meet.

The Central Bank also controls the money supply. Remember that supply and demand stuff we were talking about earlier. Well, the same concept applies here. If they increase the amount of currency in the market place, the value of that currency will decrease. If you continue increasing the amount constantly, particularly in an attempt to shore up unstable markets, you may find yourself in a situation where your currency is worth more as fire starters and explosive tags than currency. **Watch for this! These countries make prime invasion targets as they are unable to pay their armies or hire shinobi.**

Principle Three - Inflation: Yes, I've noticed how everyone runs around headquarters fussing about the measly two and one half percent per year inflation rate that they are all firmly convinced is eating up a vast quantity of their pay. News flash, that little bit of inflation is a good thing. When it starts eating up ten percent or more of your income, worry. Up until that point, you're long-term economy is relatively stable and your interest rates generally exceed the inflation rate so any money you've saved continues growing at a rate higher than inflation. This type of inflation is typically related to economic growth. Prices increase, but the amount of goods you can afford stays about the same.

When should you really worry about inflation… when the inflation rate is fifty percent or more monthly. This is hyper-inflation. **Once again, these countries are ripe for takeover, but don't leave any assets invested there.**

Deflation should scare you. Deflation can lead to a viscous cycle where prices decreases. This causes lower production because the firms cannot afford to produce the same amount of goods at the new lower price. Now, since they aren't producing as much and prices are lower, they aren't making as money. This means they have to lay-off workers and cut salaries. Now, the workers can't afford to buy as much which reduces the demand for the product, which lowers production… Yes, the entire cycle starts over again. **These are actually quite beautiful and can completely destroy a country from the inside out with very little effort on our part. Starving people don't fight back and as long as we bring cart loads of food, they'll welcome us with open arms. **Prices decrease, but the amount of goods you can afford stays about the same. The only problem is that the goods aren't being produced.

Stagflation should also worry you. This is when you have inflation and either a recession (a decline in economic growth) or slow economic growth. In this situation, your prices continue to increase, but your money buys less. These are extremely difficult to fix. Basically everything that fixes inflation, makes the recession worse. The stuff that's supposed to fix recession makes the inflation worse. _If you're in this situation, becoming a missing-nin is advisable. At least then you can pick what currency you're paid in. _

Principle Four - Depressions: Depression is a less news-friendly word for recession. There isn't a formal definition. The only thing anyone can agree on about depressions is that they are severe recessions and the definition of severe varies widely. The only thing anyone agrees on is that the Gross Domestic Product (Basic formula: consumption + investments + government spending + exports - imports) decreases at least ten percent during a depression.

**Basic Recipe for Depression:**

**1) Have everyone stop spending their money and withdraw their money from the banks and stock markets.**

**2) Take money and stuff under the mattress (preferably where I can find it)**

**3) Cut the government's budget**

**4) Import more than you export**

_Keep in mind that any combination of the above steps can cause Depression. _

**Wah-lah! You have created a Depression.**

Akatsuki prefers investments in gold-standard backed currencies as a hedge against the above scenarios and is not above undertaking any action that allows us to benefit from your misfortune. We have no formal national ties and dumping large quantities of your currency on the market isn't treason. Yes, I know several members were extremely uncomfortable when I dumped several billion dollars worth of holdings on their markets. Yes, I know I drove up food prices in at least one instance and that my actions in Fire set off a bank run. As Akatsuki benefited tremendously from those undertakings, I do not care and neither should you. **That was my currency you dumped, you imbecile! At the very least, you owed me a warning. **No, my job is to make money for Akatsuki, not Mist. I did that. As for the imbecile you placed in charge of your central bank, I can easily remedy the problem. For a price.

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If you'd like further information on the topics discussed above, please PM me.


	12. Recruitment Guidelines

Whoa! I haven't worked on this in forever. Rest assured, I haven't abandoned it. The poll winner by two votes is Recruitment Guidelines by Madara.

Disclaimer: I am not the original creator. I do not receive any financial benefits from writing fan fiction, nor do I own Naruto. The characters belong to the original creator. (Unless he stupidly signed over all rights to the media companies, and if that's the case, all the lawyers in the world can't help him.)

* * *

**Recruitment Guidelines**

By Madara

**Edited by Pein**

_**Comments by Konan**_

_Comments by Kisame_

Akatsuki is an elite organization. As such, we only accept the best. _And what was our excuse for Hidan?_ Our requirements are substantially higher than an ordinary village, and we do not accept unsolicited applications. Unsolicited applicants will be disposed of by Zetsu in accordance with our visitor disposal policy. **Do we even have a visitor disposal policy? **_**Of course we do. Interfere and die... surely, you've heard of that. **_If you are unsure what that policy entails, please ask a member of our organization. _Make sure you ask Hidan. I could use a good laugh. __**Kisame, that's not funny. It's not his fault he has brain damage. The medic said that was from oxygen deprivation during rituals. **_**Don't defend him, Konan. He's the one who's stupid enough to do it again when he already knows about the damage it causes. **We will be happy to answer any questions you may have regarding that or any of our other policies. Prior to asking any questions, please inform the member about your last rites and burial preferences and any life insurance you may carry. **Please make sure you get the collection information, so we can collect the death benefit!**

**

* * *

**Minimum Akatsuki Member Requirements

Each member must

1) Possess an unusual trait or skill set that is not currently possessed by a non-management member. **Madara, given your increasing level of involvement within the organization, the sharingan is no longer a unique skill. Sasuke is out. **Pein, since the members of Team Hawk are not full members (take a look at their incomplete uniforms, if you don't believe me), this is a non-issue. _He has a point. If these are the minimum standards for members, shouldn't we at least try to recruit people with them? As long as his old team searches for him, Sasuke only meets the fifth requirement. The others might meet the third, and Karin's only use is as a walking battery. __**She may be a walking battery, but I'd rather have a walking power source in battle than a sharingan user who hasn't completely mastered his eyes. **_ENOUGH! This is not a debate. I know they screwed up with the eight tales. I am taking care of it. Don't mention it again!

2) Possess S rank combat skills. _Once again, I must say the name Hidan! A single chunin took the guy out. Talk about falling standards. _**Kakuzu killed his last partner, and we needed a butt in the seat. Hidan was the only person I could find that he couldn't kill on short notice. **_**I notice neither of you mentioned Deidara, Sasori, and Kakuzu as inadequate... **__For all intents and purposes, Deidara and Sasori committed suicide (which should make us question the evaluation method used by our psychiatrist). As for Kakuzu, he was damaged by a jinchuriki and killed by the Copy Nin. I don't think that counts. Going up against as many as he did...that's going out with your boots on._

3) Previously severed all family and village ties. **In light of Sasori and Itachi's recent deaths, this provision is under reevaluation. **_**After consulting with the psychiatrist, it may be advisable to allow members to retain limited ties with their old village. This may prevent **__**future deaths and increase organization information gathering activities.**_

4) Possess large chakra reserves. (These are a prerequisite for S rank shinobi.) **Large chakra reserves is too subjective. What is large? **_**Perhaps, fully developed chakra reserves would be a better measure. **__Won't work. We need large quantities of chakra to extract the bijuu. Instead of trying to measure that, base it on total reserves in the organization. Recruit members who will keep us above the minimum amount. _Pein, we're going with Kisame's idea. Please tally the chakra amounts required and keep me advised.

5) Be male. _**WHAT! Since when is this a penis only club. I am just as qualified, if not more so, than any male you will ever discover. How dare you insinuate that I am less than you because I have a vagina! I can do anything you can do and look better doing it! **_**Unlike some members of our organization, I like waking up in the morning with all my parts. This requirement is stricken.**

_6) Psychosis. **Although we've had some difficulty with this issue in the past, at present none of our members qualify as psychotic. **_Having thoroughly evaluated our members personally, I don't believe this is an issue. _(Proof of Madara's psychosis...)_

_7) Suicidal. _**All suicidal members of Akatsuki have already committed suicide, according to our company psychiatrist. **_Uh huh, that's the same psychiatrist who said they were sane in the first place. Forgive me if I don't believe him. _Kisame, some members are more committed to the organization's goals than you are. That does not constitute suicidal behavior. _My apologies, sir, but we're the most self interested bastards on the planet. As for goals... just give me a good fight._

_8) Megalomania. _**There are not and have never been any megalomaniacs in our organization. **Agreed. _When's the last time you two looked in the mirror? **Kisame, I'd lay off the sarcasm if I were you. That is unless you have a death wish.**_

_9) General insanity. _This may actually be a real requirement. Insanity is not a bad thing and given proper controls, is quite beneficial to the any organization, including ours. Many of our greatest leaders qualify as clinically insane. Only a truly insane person would want to run a country. **Madara, strike the last. It makes us look bad. **Revise to absolute power is the greatest aphrodisiac known to man, and only a mad man would not desire it. _**Madara, I'm not sure you actually meant aphrodisiac, and if you did, I don't want to know why.**_

_**

* * *

**_

Preferred Characteristics

The following are desirable traits, but are not required for membership.

1) Kekkei Genkai. _Once again, I give you Hidan... _**Kisame, we get it. There was no excuse for allowing him into the organization. Lay off.**

2) Intelligence quotient of 130 or higher. _**What about Deidara? I know this is generally desirable, but neither he nor Hidan met this standard. **_These are only desirable traits, not requirements. As for Hidan, we all know he didn't meet this standard. While I am uncertain what his actual IQ was, Deidara had a creative passion and curiosity that certainly exceeded his IQ. _Madara, if you really felt that way, why didn't you say so when you gave his eulogy? _None of your business.

3) Knowledge of international relations and politics. **If members do not meet this requirement upon induction into the organization, the organization will educate them.**

4) Other practical skills, including, but not limited to, accounting, finance, medicine, weapons manufacture, and political manipulation.

_**Family members of senior management receive special consideration, including waiving the above requirements.**_


	13. Appropriate Professional Relations

Shockingly, I have updated twice in a week. (You can all keel over now.) Anyhow, I deviated slightly from my usual style, but I hope you still enjoy it.

Disclaimer: I am not the original creator. I do not receive any financial benefits from writing fan fiction, nor do I own Naruto. The characters belong to the original creator. (Unless he stupidly signed over all rights to the media companies, and if that's the case, all the lawyers in the world can't help him.)

* * *

I recently received the latest section of the Akatsuki Employee Handbook, complete with edits and commentary. I've posted it and the cover letter for your enjoyment.

_Dear Khalida-dae,_

_Please find enclosed the most recent addition to the Akatsuki Employee Handbook._

_Due to recent personnel changes, we have added a new rank slightly below that of member to our organization. To address their needs, we have added a section on appropriate professional relations to the Handbook. _

_While Konan and I were reviewing, editing, and revising this section for inclusion in the 2009 Employee Handbook, my copy went missing. Although I do not blame my fellow clansman for his responses, please be aware that his opinions do not reflect the Organization's views and should not be taken as such._

_I looked over the stats you sent us. Although the reviews are a little low, the numbers look great. Thank you for your continued involvement in our marketing efforts._

_Sincerely,_

_Uchiha Madara, President and Chairman of Akatsuki, LLC_

_

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_

**Appropriate Professional Relations**

By Karin

**Edited by Madara**

_**Edited by Konan**_

_Sasuke's Comments_

When you have a working relationship with someone, you should always take things to the next level, particularly if he's cute. I mean Sasuke is just so dreamy. Not having his baby would be the ultimate crime. _Wrong, having it would be. __**We have a problem. **_Anyhow, there are many techniques you can you use to manage your relationship and escalate things appropriately.

My personal favorite is paying the hotel owner to lie and say that there are only two rooms available, and they both have single beds. In reality, the hotel is practically empty, but the guys don't know that. Then, you give out the room keys and make sure Sasuke has a key to the same room you do. The thing is he thinks the room has two single beds when it actually has a double. _This is the reason why we never send you to get our rooms. __**Please tell me she's not serious. **_Now, he's not the type of guy to sleep on the floor. _No, I'm not, but I don't have problems sleeping next to dead bodies either. _When I refuse to give him the bed, we share, and I mean we share everything. _In your dreams and my nightmares. _At our age, virginity is overrated. _I never said I was a virgin. I'm just not interested in you! _**Konan, have Kisame take Sasuke to the brothel we patronize and take care of this little issue. **_**Will do. **_We should just go ahead and get all the awkwardness out of the way. Anyhow, you start things off with a nice massage. If that doesn't work, I have this amazing chakra proof rope that will do the trick. _You have to catch me first! _**Strike this entire paragraph. The above does not constitute a professional relationship. **_**I'm not certain entrapment is appropriate.**_

Another option is to fake an accident. When he rescues you, reward him with a kiss. If that doesn't work, you could always pay someone to attack him and then swoop in and rescue him. _You won't find many people who will attack me, so good luck with that. __**If that arrogant boy keeps strutting around the base, acting like he owns it, she won't have to pay anyone. We'll take care of things for her. Hopefully, she'll get in the way and be accidentally killed. **_Either way, rescuing your colleague will certainly get you what you want. _Not in this lifetime._**In general, rescuing your colleagues is advisable. However, under no circumstances will you put out a bounty or a hit on another employee of this organization. **_**You only say that because you don't have to deal with those kids on a daily basis. If things don't change around here, there will be a three way battle between Pein, Kisame, and myself over who gets to collect their bounties. **_**Konan, I said don't do that and I meant it.**

If none of that works, Orochimaru-sama taught me how to create this drug. It's actually a poison that's fatal in large doses, but a small amount will effectively render your subject unconscious for several hours. It's tasteless and odorless, making it perfect for a mickey. Slip it in his drink and wait. **This drug may be useful for other purposes, but it should not be used on members. I will have Zetsu analyze its properties. **The only problem with this is that you have to do all the work, but just remember once you're pregnant he'll have to marry you. _This is rape! _Then, you'll be Mrs. Sasuke Uchiha. Oh, I can't wait. _I can. __**Your teammates are not interrogation subjects and should not be treated as such. As for the rape comment, Sasuke's right, and we will apply our sexual harassment penalties to females.**_

Another option is to give him all of your chakra, so that he has to carry you back to base. _That's Jugo's job. _Be careful with this one, because if you give him too much, you won't be able to do anything for several days. When you get to the base, act really tired and ask him to help you to your room. Once you get there, push him back on the bed and seductively remove your clothes. Nature should do the rest. _Only if puking is involved. __**Girls like her give women a bad name. **_**Let me make myself clear. The only time one of our employees should be naked with another employee is if they are of the same sex and in a public bath. **_**That's a little harsh. We've always tolerated consensual relationships among our adult members. **_**Correction, my previous statement only applies to minor members. If you choose to involve yourself in a relationship with another member, be advised that if it interferes with fulfilling your duties I will replace both of you. **

It really is a pity his brother died. I mean Uchihas are so cute! All of them. It must be genetics or something, but I would so do any of them. Even if they're old and wrinkled, imagine how cute their babies would be. **Konan, place this girl in therapy before she gets herself killed. **And the sharingan...don't get me started. Powerful and cute is so attractive. It would be really great if we could use Orochimaru-sama's jutsu on his brother and bring him back to life. I mean we could like sacrifice Suigetsu. No one would miss him, and I would have two super sexy, powerful Uchihas. _I'd do my brother's corpse before I'd do you._**It looks like we should explain the whole boy-girl thing to Sasuke. I'll have Kisame add that to the curriculum. **You can't beat that. _**This actually sounds like a good idea. Let's sacrifice the weak idiot and bring back someone who can actually fight. **_**No, he wasn't loyal to the Organization. **_**I don't care if his loyalties were questionable. The man's good in a pinch. Besides, I'd pay to see Karin try her tricks on him. Watching zombie Itachi splatter her brains out on the walls or turn her into a vegetable would be priceless entertainment.**_** If her shenanigans continue, I'll arrange it. **

Anyhow, I have to stop now and turn this section in. Kisame-san said that if I was late with my assignments one more time, he would sharpen Samehada on my back, and I don't think he was kidding. _Note to self, beg Kisame to carry out his threat._ That would leave really nasty scars, and Sasuke wouldn't like me anymore. That would be really bad. So bye! _**Why should Kisame get all the fun? I could always use the little trollop for target practice. Imagine a wall of paper slowly cutting her to shreds while her terrified screams fill the room... Heaven. **_**Konan, until now, I didn't consider you one of our more homicidal members. I stand corrected.**

**_The above is entirely inappropriate and does not constitute appropriate professional conduct. Until further notice, appropriate professional conduct will be conduct that is agreed upon by all members of the partnership or team, provided it does not interfere with your duties. If you have any questions or disputes, file a complaint with my office._  
**


	14. Disciplinary Procedures

Thank you for your kind reviews. My grandmother passed away on Saturday. She was 87. We were very close. Although I do find solace in writing, I haven't replied to any reviews, but I have read them. Thank you so much for the response and making me smile during this difficult time. Writing does help. Of course, the 20,000 words I wrote Saturday night are all crap, but that's part of the grieving process, at least if you're me. I hope you enjoy this chapter and that it lives up to your expectations.

Disclaimer: I am not the original creator. I do not receive any financial benefits from writing fan fiction, nor do I own Naruto. The characters belong to the original creator. (Unless he stupidly signed over all rights to the media companies, and if that's the case, all the lawyers in the world can't help him.)

* * *

**Disciplinary Procedures**

By Sasori

**Edited by Pein**

_**Edited by Madara**_

_Assigned to Uchiha Sasuke for maintenance by Hoshigaki Kisame on 2008-11-11._

When you join Akatsuki, you join for life. No one retires from our organization, nor do we layoff our employees. If we fire you, it is in the literal sense. As in, we set fire to your corpse. Below is a list of offenses sorted by punishment. For punishments regarding sexual offenses, please see our policy on sexual harassment.

Note: Any full member of Akatsuki can carry out the below sentencing and punishments. _**Correction: Senior members of Akatsuki may carry out the below. Junior members may not, nor may they question the judgment of senior members. **__But Kisame is just being vindictive. It's not my fault I'm not Itachi! __**Sasuke, Kisame's word is law. I suggest you get used to it. As for the Itachi issue, my life would be much easier if you had your brother's talent. You would do well to not remind me of that.**_

_**

* * *

**_

Offenses Warranting Permanent Disposal of a Member:

1) Selling Organization Intelligence without Madara's prior approval. Do not ask Pein; ask Madara! _What constitutes Organization Intelligence? Is he talking about hideout locations, number of bijuu captured, bijuu locations, identity of members... _**Anything you know, including information unique to your kekkei genkai is organization intelligence. **_**Now, I understand why Kisame is complaining about teaching you. If you must ask this question, keep your mouth shut at all times or surrender your vocal cords.**_

2) Removal of the Akatsuki cloak.

3) Rescuing kittens, helping old ladies with their groceries, or any other similar 'nice' activities that are not in keeping with the Organization's image. _**On occasion, nice activities improve the Organization's image. Rescuing kittens, helping old ladies, and tutoring are all acceptable so long as they are conducted within territory controlled by Akatsuki. The purpose of these activities is to improve our internal image, while projecting terror externally. **_**The local temples have requested that our members refrain from participating in the choir. Additionally, Hidan is banned from all temples, churches, and other religious organizations within Rain, as well as any other Akatsuki Administrative Region. **_**This ban also applies to Mist. **__Unfortunately, the IPTB (Idiotic Powers That Be for you morons out there) believe lack of proper family influences and living with Orochimaru stunted our growth. Thus, all members of Team Hawk must participate in approved community activities. We may choose from math tutoring, working at the local food shelter, and adopting a grandparent. __**I am not available for the last. **_**After much consideration, Jugo may select an activity from the above. Karin is assigned to math tutoring. Suigetsu and Sasuke will both work at the local food shelter to learn humility. Hopefully, this will make them more trainable. In the future, we will not recruit anyone from either the Uchiha Clan or the Seven Swordsmen who has not fully mastered their abilities and achieved the highest rank and awards available, including S-class status, prior to joining. **

4) Desertion. **Orochimaru is the only acknowledged desertion case. If you see him, bring him in alive if possible. We want his screams to resonate throughout the five nations and will serve him up as an example of why you should never cross the Akatsuki.**

In some cases, a member is such a rare specimen that they may disappear without meeting the above requirements. Rest assured, although they are now under my control, they are still a viable part of our organization and our ongoing efforts. _**As long as they are still usable, I don't really care what you do. **_If at anytime in the future Pein, Itachi, Kisame, or Deidara commits any of the above offenses, I will add them to my collection. **Try it and die. **While Konan is a highly skilled kunochi, her skills are not unique enough for inclusion in my collection. As for Hidan, one jashinist priest is easily replaced with another. **AMEN! **He lacks intelligence, adequate skills, and chakra reserves. Thus, he is undesirable. As Madara-sama created the Organization, I do not believe we can charge him with any offense on this list. _**Thank you.

* * *

**_

Fifty Lashes:

1) Killing your partner. **Exception made for Kakuzu. We can't afford to keep replacing the whip.**

2) Bringing a non-member into headquarters. _**Exception made for Hidan. For some bizarre reason, this punishment fits perfectly with his idea of foreplay. **_

* * *

Twenty-five Lashes:

1) Being followed to the Akatsuki hideout. _According to the records, Deidara was not punished when Konoha followed him and Sasori to the hideout during the one-tails extraction. Why? _**We thought loosing both arms was sufficient punishment. **_**Besides, it wasn't the main hideout.**_

2) Repeated failure (i.e. three or more warnings and/or punishments) to wash clothing, person, or dishes.** I shouldn't need to repeat this, but I must. Blood is not an acceptable cleansing solution. Hidan, you must use soap and water! **_**We do not care that water is a component of blood. You must use pure water. If you are unsure what this means, ask Kisame. I'm certain he will have no problem providing you with a bath. If you drown during it, it's not our problem.**_

_**3) Stealing my mask.**_

**4) Insulting my angel.**

* * *

One Week as Target Practice: _What's target practice? __**Target practice is when you spend the entire week as a moving practice dummy.**_

1) First failure to capture your bijuu. **In light of our recent experience with Itachi, he will no longer be used for target practice. Having all of our members except myself and Madara out of commission is simply not acceptable. Now, I must return to the hospital. I should be there when Konan wakes up.**

2) Leaving your dirty dishes in the sink and expecting someone else to cleanup after you.

3) Clogging the community bathroom shower with clay.

4) Asking stupid questions. For example, why should I sharpen my kunai. _**If your partner (for junior members, a teammate), asks anything this stupid. Feel free to kill them. There will be no punishment.**_

5) Washing your cloak in bleach and wearing the spotted cloak in public. **We have paid staff to do laundry and cooking. If you don't use them, that's your problem.**

6) Leaving dirty dishes in the sink. _According to Kisame, this only applies when you are using the community kitchen. __**The dirty dishes in the sink are never Zetsu's. He doesn't use dishes and prefers his food raw.**_

* * *

Two Weeks as Target Practice:

1) Second failure to capture your bijuu. **Does not apply to Itachi. See above.**

2) Washing your partner's robe in bleach.

3) Rusty weapons. _What the [explicative deleted]! __**Sasuke, watch your language. This is a professional publication and I will not warn you again.**_

One Month as Target Practice:

1) Repeated failure (three or more times) to capture your bijuu. **Does not apply to Itachi. See above.**

2) Forgetting your weapons.

* * *

Added by Uchiha Itachi 30-09-2005.

Tsukiyomi:

1) Switching the safety pins I use to label my clothing. (For example, matching a brown sock with a black sock or removing the crossed safety pins in the collar of my black shirt and replacing them with a single horizontal safety pin, indicating the black shirt is blue.) _Kamis! I didn't know he was that blind. __**Now you know why I wanted you to take his eyes. Without them, that will be you in a few years.**_

2) Leaving chairs or other objects in front of my door and waiting for me to trip over them.

3) Placing any form of dye in my soap or shampoo. _Sweet! Does anyone have pictures? _**Ask Kisame. He did it.**

4) Stealing Kisame's deodorant. _Still valid! __**If that's the case, you should actually master tsukiyomi. Since you aren't interested in my help, good luck with that.**_

* * *

Added by Deidara 14-05-2007

Explosive Belt:

1) Asking annoying questions.

2) Following me around and saying sempai...._** I was good, wasn't I?**_

3) Shaving my head. (Kisame and Itachi will so pay for that!) _Again, do we have pictures? _**No, but your brother left behind a video.**

* * *

Added by Kisame 11-11-2008

Skinning:

1) Being late for class. Do not waste my time! _It's not my fault. The alarm didn't go off. I swear. __**Son, getting there on time is your responsibility. If you're late again, I'll add roasting to the list.**_

2) Failing to study before class. I do not assign those readings for my health. _For once, I totally agree with Karin. Those things are boring. Couldn't we read a manga or something... __**Sasuke, do the readings. I will not suffer idiots in either this organization or my family. If need be, we can use Tsukiyomi for maximum retention. **__No, sir, that's unnecessary. I will read the material before class tomorrow. Promise._

3) Making googly eyes at other students during my class. _YES!_

4) Doing anything else that annoys me before, during, or after class. _Could we get a list? __**SASUKE! This is a simple concept. Read the material, be on time, sit in class, keep your mouth shut unless asked a question, pay attention, and wipe that "I'm better than you, so I'm not listening" expression off your face before I do it for you.**_


	15. Akatsuki Commandments

If you're interested, there is a game hidden in this one. Three sources were parodied and four quotes are hidden in the text. For sources, there are generic names for these. You don't have give me page numbers. For quotes, just tell me who said it. Identify as many as you can and either PM me or send me a message through LiveJournal. Include some type of contact information. (I will contact the winner at that account via PM.) Whoever gets the most will receive a Naruto fanfiction dedicated to them and written on their choice of scene, subject, pairing, and rating. In the event of a tie, whoever got the answer in first wins.

Other news...to keep the creative juices flowing, I have taken up LiveJournal's 50_Shinobi challenge. The pairing is Zetsu/Sakura, which is definitely a crack pairing. The first story is titled _Dearest Wish_. _Silk and Candlesticks _is a follow up to that. For personal reasons, _Akatsuki Web Design_ is on hiatus. For further information, see the most recent chapter posted.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto or its characters, nor do I receive any financial benefit or compensation for this fan fiction.

Reviews are always appreciated! If you're offended by the below, remember this is a parody.

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**Akatsuki Commandments**

By Madara

**Edited by Konan**

_**Edited by Zetsu**_

_Reedited by Madara_

1) Obey Madara first, Pain second, and Zetsu third. **Hey, what about me? **_The above applies only when Konan is speaking for Pain on his explicit authority. In that case, the order is Madara, Zetsu, Konan._

2) Keep religion out of the office. **Pain is the supreme god and all shall honor him. **_**Not in this lifetime.**__ Anyone_**, other than Konan,**_ found blatantly worshiping another member will be subject to twenty-five lashes and an extended stay in Ame's mental facility._

3) Punish those who reject our teachings and fight against us, their children, their grandchildren, and their great-grandchildren. Only then will we be satisfied.

4) Cherish and protect those who support our organization and their children. **Perhaps this should read defend those who support our organization and their children, provided said children have continued the previous generation's support at a level commiserate with their stated needs. **_Good job, Konan! I like it._

5) The Akatsuki name and logo may only be used on approved communiques, merchandise, and official publications. **For the record, no one may borrow the official stamp from my office. Deidara, you will return this or I will remove a key part of your anatomy and use it for a stamp. **_**Ouch! Konan, why not just ask Deidara to make you a new stamp...**__ In light of recent events (i.e. Deidara's beautiful stamp), no member may accept any clay item from Deidara. Konan, I have approved the necessary appropriations to reconstruct your office and authorized the hiring of contractor who specializes in restoring documents damaged by smoke and fire. Next time you request art from Deidara, have him draw it out on a piece of paper and give it to a different sculptor or Sasori. Zetsu, please do not suggest requesting things from members whom you are not well acquainted with._

6) There is no official day of rest. If I, Madara, tell you to work, WORK! **Note to self, call the union.**_ There will be no unions in Akatsuki. All union organizers and union researchers must be killed on sight. __**Sir, that may not be a good idea. According to our records, unions are some of our best clients.**__ Fine, ask them what they want first. If they're here to organize Akatsuki, follow the above directive._

7) All honor and loyalty must be given to the organization and its members. If this conflicts with your personal beliefs regarding treatment of parents and other elders, we will remove them from your life.

8) You shall kill all whom the organization orders you to kill.

9) You shall not kill any jinchuriki prior to extracting his/her/its bijuu.

10) If you must commit adultery, under no circumstances should you give either your lover or their spouse directions to headquarters. **In the event the adultery is in the form of a threesome or moresome, the above still applies.**

11) You shall only steal items that are easily sold and/or untraceable cash. _**Rare scrolls should only be stolen when we either are hired to steal them or require them for the Akatsuki library.**_

12) When lying, remember KISS **(Hidan, this stands for "Keep It Simple, Stupid.")**. Do not tell a lie that is so complicated it confuses both you and senior management. **Itachi, in the future, please recall that not all members of Akatsuki have photographic memories and write down your elaborate cover story.**

13) If you desire something that belongs to another member (i.e. personal property, weapons, lovers, etc.), leave it alone. Finding new members is a difficult and arduous process and doing the above would require replacing one or both of you.

14) You will not eat anything that you cannot digest without medical intervention. _**Tobi, just because Deidara can survive eating exploding clay doesn't mean you should try it. **__Come now, Zetsu. I only did it to keep in character. _**Sir, I agree with Zetsu. Please drop the Tobi act. Your medical bills last year accounted for nearly one-eighth of our total operating budget. **_Noted._

15) You will answer all summons the first time you are called.

16) For tax purposes, all charitable donations by members should be made payable to the Red Dawn Charities. We will use them as we see fit.

17) If you must break the law, do it to seize power. In all other cases, observe it. _**Otherwise, you will stand out and you will be arrested. Our budget is limited and should not be spent on bail.**_

18) Do not question orders. _**Although curiosity is insubordination in its purest form, limited questioning should be permitted to encourage an educated discourse. **__Questioning orders is not allowed._

_**19) Question non-Akatsuki affiliated authority freely and frequently.**_

_20) When dealing with outside parties, remember that one death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic. This means that if you have a choice between killing little Yoshiro or his entire village, kill the entire village. Public Relations 101: It's very easy to tell a personal story and make people feel sorry for little Yoshiro. It's much harder to do this for an entire village._

Final Rule: If you doubt whether or not a given action will violate any of the above and you are not able to consult with one or more of the individuals listed in item 1, remember this rule of thumb. Death solves all problems—no man, no problem.

* * *

A/N: I recently updated the first 11 chapters of the manual to include information from the 3rd Data Book and minor editorial corrections. The only major change is Madara's birthday information. Originally, I didn't have a birthdate, so I used the deceased Japanese emperor's. I now have one. According to the translation, it's December 24.


	16. Akatsuki Organizational Structure

Thanks everyone for your wonderful responses to the previous section. I've notified the winner and I'm working on the outline for your prize. (It's taking me a little longer than I thought...) I've received several messages asking me to review other stories. That got me to thinking and looking around. I noticed there really isn't anywhere to ask for constructive criticism and reviews outside of beta services, and sometimes what you really need is an opinion, not a beta. So I have created a new community on LJ specifically to meet this need. It is only for fan fiction as there are several communities that cater to original works, but exclude fan fiction. Take the spaces out of the following: http : / / community. livejournal. com/ ffreviewsplease/ . I've also posted a link on my profile. First fic posted gets a review without having to give one.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, its characters, or its plot, nor do I receive financial compensation for my fan fictions. If I did own Naruto, it would be called Akatsuki, not Naruto. **

**

* * *

**_Dear Khalida-dae,_

_While searching through past handbook submissions, I found this lovely gem that Zetsu put together for us a few years ago. I asked him to update it, as the former CFO is unfortunately deceased and include a new section for Associates. We have now included this in our version of the manual. I have also given Kisame a version (sans comments) for study by Team Hawk. If they most contribute to our manual, they should at least use the proper language and format._

_You will notice that the ranks listed here are similar to those used in most corporations. I am using those in your version only to reduce any confusion your readers may have as they may not be familiar with the more colorful titles employed by various yakuza and mafia style organizations. The titles don't matter much and the organizational structure is similar regardless of whether it is a yakuza, mafia, or corporation. The only significant different would be if we were one of those horrendously inefficient republics or, worse, a democracy. Thankfully for all concerned we do not ascribe to the beliefs of either of those pretentious groups._

_I noticed that you turned the last section of the handbook I sent you into a game. While that was not my intent, I am pleased with the turnout; however, you will not do anything of that sort again without my permission. The quotes were as follows:_

_1) "If you must break the law, do it to seize power." - Caesar_

_2) "Death solves all problems — no man, no problem." - Stalin_

_3) "One death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic." - Stalin_

_4) "Curiosity is insubordination in its purest form." - Vladimir Nabokov_

_Congratulations to Cap'n Chryssalid! My inspirations for the previous section were the Ten Commandants (a horrid misnomer since there are more than ten), the Five Pillars of Islam, and Dawkin's The God Delusion—none of which are ascribed to by Akatsuki for obvious reasons._

_I read your live journal post concerning Fan Fiction and Review statistics. I hope Akatsuki Employee Handbook is doing better than one review per three alerts; however, I will be understanding if that isn't the case. I'm looking forward to receiving your more recent statistics._

_Thank you for your continuing support of our marketing efforts._

_Sincerely,_

_Madara Uchiha, President and Chairman of Akastuki, LLC_

_P.S. In answer to your question regarding which Zetsu made the earlier comments in the manual, I am uncertain. I also do not know which one wrote the enclosed. I suspect both sides had input on this and then he edited it so that it has a cohesive voice.

* * *

_**Akatsuki Organizational Structure**

by Zetsu

_**Comments by Madara**_

_Comments by Pain_

Akatsuki is organized in a similar manner to most criminal organizations, including the Yakuza, the Mafia, and major corporations. As we have no desire for additional input and feel that increased discourse and discussion within our organization would be detrimental to our overall goals, we do not use either republic or democratic styles of governance. We maintain a strict hierarchy within our organization and do not deviate from that hierarchy. _Although earlier portions of the manual indicate the hierarchy looks like Madara, Pain or Pain, Madara, the below is correct. _

**Chairman of the Board and President**

Currently held by Madara Uchiha, the Chairman of the Board is the supreme commander. _Zetsu, you make it sound like he's a god or something. He's not. That would be me. _The CEO is the only member of our management team who reports directly to the Chairman of the Board. _Thanks the gods for that small favor! _The Chairman of the Board also heads all official meetings of the Board of Directors. _**There are select times when the COO reports directly to me, namely when I seek out said COO. I can, and occasionally do, give orders to other members of the organization. If that makes you uncomfortable, get over it. I prefer a more hands-on management style. **__Due to the recent organization downsizing, I don't have a problem with you giving the orders, but I do have a problem with you being deliberately insulting. What was with that insinuation that I wasn't powerful enough to take the Kyuubi brat?! The kid lost to Sasuke. I'm more powerful than Sasuke. Doesn't look like difficult math to me._ Pain, Madara, please stop. This is not the appropriate forum for this discussion. For the record, Pain, whether or not you can actually take the Kyuubi kid remains to be seen.

**Chief Executive Officer (CEO)**

Currently held by Zetsu, the CEO is only member of the organization who reports directly to Madara-sama. Although Madara-sama may occasionally give orders directly to the CEO's subordinates, including the COO, he generally relies on the CEO to relay all orders to the appropriate recipient. _Madara-sama this. Madara-sama that. Why not just call him by his name, plain and simple? That's what you did with everyone else! __**Some of us have earned more respect than others. Deal with it. **_The CEO is responsible for all organization operations and maintaining the smooth operation of the organization with the assistance of other senior management (primarily the COO, CFO, and Chairman). He also implements all decisions made by the Board of Directors. _ I still don't understand why this isn't me. __**You lack the personality for this position. **__How is that possible? Plant guy has two personalities and neither is what any sane person would call stable. __**Pain, it's like Kisame says. You think you're a god. That automatically omits you from inclusion in any conversation of sane, stable personalities. Zetsu may have more than one, but both sides are sane and stable. Besides, I've known him longer.**_

**Chief Operating Officer (COO)**

Currently held by Nagato (a.k.a. Pain) (a.k.a. Leader), the COO is responsible for all personnel, personnel relations, advertising, organizational image, and bijuu capture and extractions. The COO can be tasked to missions outside of his usual duties by either the CEO or the Chairman. _Would it be possible to hire a Chief Human Resources Officer? Konan would be perfect for the job.__** Pain, I have spoken with Konan about your suggestion. If I did not posses a time-space ninjutsu, she would have cut me to ribbons. Based solely on that reaction, I'd say she's not interested. Furthermore, it has come to my attention that your method of dealing with personnel issues is to turn the offending party into a spare body. While I realize you do need them, you may not use any of our members, associates, or valuable subordinates for a spare without my permission. (In the case of a subordinate, you must politely ask the member they report to first.)**_

**Chief Financial Officer (CFO)**

Currently held by Kakuzu, the CFO is responsible for all Akatsuki accounts and personnel who manage those accounts, including accountants and clerks. The CFO is also responsible for advising the COO and the CEO of current financial needs and recommending appropriate bounties to fill those needs. Additionally, the CFO oversees all Akatsuki investments and ensures that they perform well regardless of economic conditions. The CFO may or may not, at his discretion, assist members with managing their personal assets, including retirement accounts. However, the CFO is not responsible for any loses incurred by individual members. _The CFO is responsible for all loses incurred on monies withheld from members by the CFO. This includes the ridiculous investment in a tuna processing plant in Fire. Even I know that landlocked countries, don't normally have processing facilities for salt water fish! _**_That incident was a classic example of one of Kakuzu's embezzlement/shell companies. Kisame and Zetsu, please provide a better cover story for that establishment._**

This position is currently held jointly by Kisame and Zetsu pending recruitment of another member with Kakuzu's talents.

**Members/Partnerships**

Full members are required to fulfill their duties as those duties were explained to such member upon entering the organization. _If I amend your duties, you must fulfill the new duties as determined by me._

There is subtle hierarchy within each partnership. Although each member has equal status in the eyes of senior management, each partnership tends to have one member who is more dominant than the other. This leads to a subtle first and second lieutenant distinction that is generally lost on persons who are less familiar with our organization. _**Ex. Itachi and Kisame. Itachi acts as the senior member and gives orders to Kisame.**__ In light of Itachi's death, the above is changed to Ex. Pain and Konan. __**Since you're the CEO, that's not a valid example. **__Until we get more members, it's the only example we have. __**Fine! I'll place the stupid ad, but Pain is conducting the interviews!**_

**The Board of Directors**

Unlike most organizations, our Board of Directors does not meet on a regular basis and can be overridden by either the Chairman or the CEO. All full members of Akatsuki are on the Board. Meetings of the Board of Directors typically occur during bijuu extraction ceremonies. _**Under no circumstances should meetings of the Board of Directors distract members from properly extracting the bijuu. If the bijuu is damaged during the extraction ceremony, you will pay!**_

**Subordinates**

Each member of the Akatsuki Organization may have as many or as few subordinates as they believe necessary to support their activities. Kakuzu's accountant is an appropriate example. In the event you find yourself in a situation in which a supposed subordinate is actually a senior member, it behooves you to play along and pretend like that person really is a subordinate. **_In response to Kakuzu's question, killing your subordinates is permissible regardless of the circumstances or the supposed value of the subordinate to the organization._**

**Associates**

An associate is a group whose members may or may not be eligible for full membership. That group takes and executes orders from senior management outside of the normal organization hierarchy. For example, Team Hawk currently takes orders directly from Madara instead of Pain. Generally, associates are one step up from a subordinate and in select cases may be treated in a manner similar to full members. _In response to recent inquiries from Team Hawk regarding injuries sustained during their fight with the eight tails jinchuriki, associates are not eligible for Akatsuki benefits including health care and medical leave. _**_Sorry, Sasuke. This means you will either need to take a loan or find some other means of supporting yourself during your convalescence. Before you ask, the organization will not lend you the money nor will I release the funds from your brother's estate. As he died during a battle with you, I do not feel that would be appropriate._**

**Organization Roster**

Note: Partner (if any) in parentheses. Status update in brackets.

Madara Uchiha – Founder, President, and Chairman, [First Lieutenant (Kisame)]

Zetsu – CEO, hunter-nin [Co-CFO with Kisame. Still CEO]

Pain – COO, Leader-sama, First Lieutenant (Konan)

Konan – Member, Second Lieutenant (Pain)

Itachi Uchiha – Member, First Lieutenant (Kisame) _Team dynamic is a little debatable. Itachi was only 13 when he joined us on a full-time basis and was even younger when the incident with Orochimaru occurred. In battle, this distinction definitely exists, but not outside it. _[deceased]

Kisame – Member, Second Lieutenant (Itachi) [CFO, Second Lieutenant (Madara)]

Orochimaru – Member, First Lieutenant (Sasori) [deserter, assumed dead]

Sasori – Member, Second Lieutenant (Orochimaru), _Change to First Lieutenant (Deidara, who fortunately is too young to be a pedophile). _[deceased]

Kakuzu – CFO, First Lieutenant (hapless victims, Hidan) [deceased]

Deidara – Member, Second Lieutenant (Sasori) [deceased]

Hidan – Member, Second Lieutenant (Kakuzu) [dismembered]

Tobi – Member, Second Lieutenant (Deidara); [unmasked] _**Partnership defunct due to Deidara's demise prior to assuming my actual identity.**_


	17. Media Relations

This is for BlackRoseMuffin whose hilarious review inspired this section. Cap'n, I've started writing your prize. Writing Sakura/Zetsu is actually pretty fun. Writing a dark, slightly sadistic Sakura for A Mother's Love was particularly enjoyable (so was the minor Sasuke bashing...) On other fronts, I received a request for a partial! (That means there is hope of actually selling my manuscript... It's a dim hope, but it is hope.)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto or its characters, nor do I receive any financial benefit for this fan fiction. Reviews are greatly appreciated.

* * *

**Media Relations**

By Konan

_**Edited by Kisame Hoshigaki**_

**Edited by Madara Uchiha**

It has recently come to my attention that several members and/or associates of Akatsuki are being approached by various media sources for interviews. While Akatsuki has never had an official policy on media interactions, we feel that in light of our recent organizational changes we should make our unofficial policy official.

Until further notice, no member or associate of Akatsuki may grant an interview or photo opportunity without prior approval from Madara, Zetsu, and Pain. _**Yes, we really do mean you must ask all three of them. If you're lucky, Madara and Pain may sign off on your request. Most likely, Zetsu will solve the problem for everyone and add you to his stash in the green refrigerator. **_Prior to approaching them about the opportunity, you must provide my office with paperwork detailing the media company, the name of the interviewer, and the proposed publication date.

Interviewers must sign a confidentiality statement and must agree to only ask questions from the official Akatsuki Questionnaire. _**The official questions and a sample interview are below.**_ If the interviewer deviates from our approved questions, eliminate them. _**As in, separate their head from their body and chop them into little pieces. Take their guts and drape them over the entrance to their workplace. Use their blood to write their name on the wall, so that everyone knows about their stupidity.**_** As disgusting as Kisame's explanation is, it is correct. If someone breaks our rules, please recall that we are Akatsuki and we are rightfully feared. Keep our reputation intact.**

Photo opportunities must be approved and staged by a member of senior management. **All photos must be approved by me prior to publication. Pain is responsible for staging photos properly.** Photos may not include any demonstration of your abilities, jutsu, bijuu captures, jinchuriki captures, bijuu extraction/sealings, other members of Akatsuki who are either not known or are not included in the request form, the bijuu statue, interior or exterior of Akatsuki's Rain Headquarters, and/or interior or exterior of any Akatsuki hideout. All photos must be taken in full Akatsuki uniform. For members, this means you are wearing your Akatsuki hat. For associates, this means your hood is up and your face is covered._** In answer to several questions received from members of Team Hawk, this is Akatsuki, not a beauty contest. Get over yourselves and get to work.

* * *

After careful consideration, Konan and I designated Karin to write the following questionnaire as part of her community service requirement. Then, we assigned Sasuke, who was recently expelled from the adopt a grandparent program for attempting to strangle the unfortunate person assigned to him under the false assumption that the man was Danzo, to answer the questionnaire. **_**Although I understand Sasuke's initial reluctance to answer this questionnaire, I did compel him to answer the entire questionnaire. Sasuke, I don't know what you did to tick of Konan and Kisame, but I'd suggest you fix whatever it was.**

What are your goals?

_I don't have goals. I have a goal, as in one. My goal is to kill the elders._

Who do you want to fight most?

_Konoha's elders._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_Training under a sannin was a much greater opportunity than training under the copy nin. To begin with, he offered me large snakes as a summon, instead of a pack of mangy mutts. Secondly, I did not betray my country. They betrayed me by holding me back and refusing to fully train me. Instead, they assigned me to a team with an idiot, a useless little girl, and team leader who showed no interest in any of us until we developed our own talents independent of his tutelage. Kakashi was only interested in me after he saw my sharingan. Then, his interest was limited to teaching me to not use my full abilities and to limit myself. He obviously saw me as a threat.** Remainder deleted due to incoherent ranting. For the record Sasuke, no one has ever seen you as a threat. Not your precious village, your former overly obsessed friends, your brother, or anyone else.**_

Who is your best friend? Why?

_For those of you who believe Naruto and I are friends, we are not. I do not have any friends. I have not had friends since Itachi killed the clan. I realize that some people, namely Naruto, are protesting this statement. Let me set the record straight. Naruto, nearly three years ago, I put a chidori through your chest. Earlier this year, I held a sword to your throat and was quite willing to take your head off. I would have if Orochimaru hadn't ordered me to stop. Those are not the actions of friend. Understand? _**Sasuke, as cute as I find this, under no circumstances will you kill the Kyuubi jinchuriki before we remove the Kyuubi.**

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_Madara hates Konoha. I hate Konoha's elders. He offered to give me a shot at them in exchange for helping with the bijuu. Simple, eh?_

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_My favorite is chidori. My most powerful...either kirin or amaterasu. The amaterasu isn't perfect yet, so it's probably kirin._

What is your sexual orientation?

_Straight, very straight. Crap, I forgot that Karin wrote this and I can't erase ink. Stupid pen. Gay, Karin. As long as you're the one asking, I'm so gay._

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_Would it make Karin and Sakura leave me alone? Would the fan girls magically disappear? If so, then absolutely. Otherwise...**Sasuke, your brother tried this when he was your age. He ended up trading the fan girls for fan boys. It wasn't pretty.**_

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_No. I am a shinobi and an Uchiha, meaning I am not an easy target. Although that doesn't mean things weren't tried, it does mean that they didn't happen._

What would you do if you woke up to find Karin naked in your bed?

_Tear out my eyes and run screaming from the room. Afterwards, I would scrub my brains with lye soap._

What would you do if you woke up to find Suigetsu naked in your bed?

_He would die a long and agonizing death._

What would you do if you woke up to find Jugo naked in your bed?

_I would probably assume that his cursed blood acted up again and help him suppress whatever the problem was. Jugo's not the type to try anything, so this wouldn't really bother me._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_Kill myself._

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_Er...I don't think anyone actually wakes up after that. _

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_Thank the gods that she wasn't Karin and run away as quickly as I could while enjoying the pleasant memory. If this happens and Konan I'm interested, I plan on being on another continent when Pain finds out._

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_Wouldn't happen. There's no way we could all fit._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_No. Bad mental image and this would never happen. _**Take my name of the list. There's is no one in Akatsuki who interests me in that way. For starters, I'm not a cradle robber.**

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_Kick him out._** Sasuke, if you should be so fortunate, you should restrain and detain said jinchuriki until we can retrieve him for extraction.**

Isn't Uchihacest the hottest thing ever?

_No. I might think this was alright if all the pathetic fan girls didn't have me as the uke (i.e. bottom) in every one of their raunchy fantasies. _**For the record, you do not build clans by sleeping with other males. Only females get pregnant. If the Uchihas in question are male and female, this is a wonderful idea. Otherwise, keep it in your pants. Kisame, remove this question from the final questionnaire.**

Since I know that Sasuke's the one answering this, I have a question that is totally unrelated to the real questions I listed above. Sasuke, didn't your mother ever tell you that if you scowl all the time your face will be frozen that way? I mean your only sixteen and you already have wrinkles...

_I do not have wrinkles!!! Those lines between my eyes are where my nose sits between my eyes. Those are not age lines._

_**You know, I never noticed those before. I think the wee Uchiha is getting a few premature age marks...**_

_**

* * *

**_**A Special Note**

I love reviews. Reviews, favorites, etc. are the only payment I receive for this and are much appreciated.


	18. Akatsuki Interviews

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto or its characters, nor do I receive any financial benefit for this fan fiction. Reviews are greatly appreciated.

* * *

_Dear Khalida-dae:_

_I was reading through the handbook and realized that the media relations problem could be easily solved by having pre-prepared written interviews for each member. As I am sure you are aware, our organization has more important things to accomplish than giving interviews. Until further notice, there will be no interviews or photo opportunities granted by the organization. All interviews will be provided in written form by the organization in our approved format and only official photos may be used. Please note that I am not providing a personal interview at this time._

_Recently there was a minor incident involving paparazzi, Team Hawk, and the hot springs. Kisame, who has unfortunately experienced these sorts of things before when he partnered with Itachi, took care of the intruder, and Zetsu disposed of the corpse in accordance with organizational policy. In the off chance that any of those camera-wielding idiots are reading your version of the Akatsuki manual, please remind them that Akatsuki don't wield cameras; we wield knives and we know how to use them! No one out side the organization will be granted permission to photograph Akatsuki members or our associates. Anyone who photographs the Akatsuki without permission will be summarily disposed off. They will either be burned to death, sliced to bits, or eaten, depending on who catches them first. (And rest assured, we will catch you.)_

_In response to your recent question about Team Hawk and the ties between that name and my falconry hobby, although there is certainly a relationship, it is not one that Sasuke is aware of. Please do not do anything to make him aware of that relationship at this time. _

_After reviewing your most recent statistics, I must say that I am pleased with the response to our little handbook. I would like to suggest a new goal: 500 reviews. I know you probably think you can't possibly make it, but you're almost halfway there already. Let me know what you think._

_Sincerely,_

_Madara Uchiha_

_P.S. Zetsu recently read your sick little "Dearest Wish" fan fiction series. Although he doesn't believe it would ever happen, he does appreciate the fact that your portrayal of him shows both sides. Although he isn't a fan of Sakura, he particularly enjoyed "Silk and Candlesticks" and was wondering if you (or anyone you know) might be interested in a reenactment. He says that you don't have to dye your hair pink. Personally, I would not take him up on the offer as I am not convinced you would survive the encounter. He also wanted me to tell everyone that if Sakura is actually like your portrayal of her in "A Mother's Love", he is interested. _

_

* * *

_**Akatsuki Interviews**

Please note that these have not been approved by senior management for distribution to media conglomerates.

* * *

**Interview with Akatsuki Member Kisame Hoshigaki**

What are your goals?

_Considering that I've been an S-class criminal for the past decade, I'd say staying alive and fighting as many people as possible._

Who do you want to fight most?

_Anyone. I'm not that picky._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_Long story short, I assassinated Water's lord during a failed coup. I did my part, but in case it escaped your notice, Zabuza was supposed to kill the Mizukage. (A special note to people from other villages: notice how I call him Mizukage. In other's villages with more than one known kage, they call their kage by their number. For example, the little slug witch is called Godaime.) Since Madara is still around, I'm sure you can see how well that coup worked out for us swordsmen. _

Who is your best friend? Why?

_The closest thing I've ever had to a best friend was Itachi and that was more of a mutual agreement to tolerate each other._

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_It's nice stable employment with a regular paycheck, and I love my job._

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_My favorite technique is any technique that uses Samehada. Suiton: Bakusui Shoha is probably my most powerful technique because it is the basis for most of my water jutsu._

What is your sexual orientation?

_Despite the pervasive fan fiction idea that Itachi and I were partners in more ways than one, we were not. When we traveled, we always stayed in separate hotel rooms. The only thing we occasionally shared was whores. In other words, I am very straight. Kinky, but straight!_

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_Let's see... I'm straight, straight, and straight. As long as those are the options, sure. Otherwise, forget it._

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_Do I look like someone who would have problems with that? No._

What would you do if you woke up to find Karin naked in your bed?

_I would tie her to the bed and teach her a lesson about sneaking into other people's bedrooms. Since Sasuke won't do this, someone has to._

What would you do if you woke up to find Suigetsu naked in your bed?

_Kill him after verifying that he hadn't stolen Samehada._

What would you do if you woke up to find Jugo naked in your bed?

_I would beat him within an inch of his life. Unlike the others, he's not a bad kid and he's pretty powerful. Killing him now would be a waste._

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasuke naked in your bed?

_I would probably tie him up and charge his fan girls admission._

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_Zetsu and I respect each other too much for this to ever happen. Thank the gods!_

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_Ask Pain if it was alright if we played for a while._

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_As this has happened before, I would probably do the same thing I did then. Roll over and grab Konan so she can sleep between us. Konan, for future reference, the lube is in the bedside table drawer._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_Pray to the gods that he wasn't interested in doing anything._

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_That sounds interesting. Have I mentioned lately that jinchuriki make excellent gifts? (I probably shouldn't mention the nice bonus I'll get for his capture.)_

**

* * *

Interview with Akatsuki Member Zetsu**

What are your goals?

_Serving Madara-sama to the best of my abilities._

Who do you want to fight most?

_Myself._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_I don't recall my country of origin, so I'm not exactly certain that ever happened. Akatsuki is our country._

Who is your best friend? Why?

_My other half._

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_It's a living and there is always a steady food supply._

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_Kagero (Mayfly) is our favorite. As for our most powerful, that is for us to know and you to find out._

What is your sexual orientation?

_Straight._

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_No. Wait a minute...we have fans?_

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_N/A_

What would you do if you woke up to find Karin naked in your bed?

_I'd tie her up and play with my food._

What would you do if you woke up to find Suigetsu naked in your bed?

_I would kill him and dispose of the evidence._

What would you do if you woke up to find Jugo naked in your bed?

_Sadly, we both like Jugo. In the unlikely event that this happens, we would probably assume something was wrong with his personalities, which disagree with each other even more than we do. We would try to help him with the problem by telling him how we deal with body sharing. If that didn't work, we would fetch Madara-sama._

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasuke naked in your bed?

_Although this response might make Madara-sama angry. I would probably kill him. I hear that Uchiha blood is quite the delicacy and can't wait to try it._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_This is a bad mental image. Kisame and I respect each other way too much for that. Kisame, for the record, if you try that, I have a new recipe for sharp fin soup and I'm certain you know what I will substitute for the fins._

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_As we both explained to Konan and Pain last time they invited us to join them in the bedroom, we do not look at either them in a sexual way and prefer to continue viewing them as colleagues. We can easily find women and are not interested in men. If this happened, we would most likely leave the organization._

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_See above._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_I would assume that he was gravely injured and call a medic. Sir, if you do something like that, you had better be injured._

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_Restrain him and summon the other members for the extraction._

**

* * *

Interview with Akatsuki Member Pain**

What are your goals?

_I only have one goal and that is bringing peace to a shinobi-less world._

Who do you want to fight most?

_Madara-sama._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_This is irrelevant as I am currently the ruler of my country._

Who is your best friend? Why?

_Yahiko was my best friend._

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_It was and is a wonderful opportunity to spread my ideology._

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_God mode. God mode._

What is your sexual orientation?

_Straight._

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_No._

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_Only if having to tolerate Jiraiya's perverted writing attempts qualifies. Other than that, no._

What would you do if you woke up to find Karin naked in your bed?

_That wouldn't happen. The advantage of having more than one body is that the others can keep watch while you sleep._

What would you do if you woke up to find Suigetsu naked in your bed?

_See above._

What would you do if you woke up to find Jugo naked in your bed?

_See above._

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasuke naked in your bed?

_Explain that I'm not gay._

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_Neither side of Zetsu is that stupid._

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_Kiss her awake. _

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_The last time that happened, he, Konan, and I had a wonderful time, so I would assume it was a repeat, and Konan, next time I get the back._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_I would insist he get a CAT scan._

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_I would tie him up and drag him to the bijuu statue for extraction. (I wish I was this lucky, but I'm not.)_

**

* * *

Interview with Akatsuki Member Konan**

What are your goals?

_Supporting Pain in the furtherance of world peace._

Who do you want to fight most?

_Well... I would say Hidan, but he's dead. Perhaps Karin would do as a substitute._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_Pain and I did not betray our country. We were born and raised in Rain. We've lived here our entire lives and now, the entire country reports to us. _

Who is your best friend? Why?

_Prior to his death, my best friend was Yahiko. Now, I would say that it's Pain._

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_It was an opportunity for Pain and I to fulfill our goals after Yahiko's death._

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_Shikigami no Mai is my favorite technique. It is also the basis for my most powerful techniques._

What is your sexual orientation?

_I am straight and I am involved in a long-term relationship. Any sexual contact that does not include Pain's participation isn't something I'm interested in._

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_No._

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_If Jiraiya's constant sexual comments and innuendos count, then yes. _

What would you do if you woke up to find Karin naked in your bed?

_Skin her alive with my paper. If I can get most of it off in one piece, I might use it for a lamp shade._

What would you do if you woke up to find Suigetsu naked in your bed?

_I would have Pain hold him down while I pulled out his teeth. I always wanted a shark tooth necklace._

What would you do if you woke up to find Jugo naked in your bed?

_Since Jugo is normally a sweet young man, I would assume that he had an episode the night before and send him to Madara for help since Sasuke was obviously to caught up in himself to assist him._

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasuke naked in your bed?

_It doesn't matter what I would do. What matters is what my partner would do and let's just say that the only Uchiha left with the necessary part to revive the clan would be Madara._

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_That wouldn't happen. Pain and I offered to include him in our activities a while back and he's not interested in either of us in that way._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_I would smile and wake up Pain. I know I couldn't walk well for a few days after the last time we tried this, but it was amazing. I am more than willing to do it again._

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_I would wake him up and ask if any of his other bodies could join us._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_Ewww...My apologies Madara-sama, but I not into elderly men._

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_I would think that my birthday had come early and capture the Kyuubi._

**

* * *

Interview with Akatsuki Associate Jugo of Tenpin**

What are your goals?

_Owning an aviary._

Who do you want to fight most?

_No one and everyone._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_I was a danger to myself and everyone around me. I left to find a cure, but that didn't work out very well._

Who is your best friend? Why?

_Sasuke is my best friend because he can suppress my other side._

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_Sasuke needed Madara and I will do whatever I need to to support Sasuke._

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_My favorite technique is using my chakra to entice the birds to eat seeds out of my hand. My transformation is my most powerful technique._

What is your sexual orientation?

_Straight._

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_No. That would be too fickle. _

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_I lived with Orochimaru for most of my life. What do you think?_

What would you do if you woke up to find Karin naked in your bed?

_I would take her to Suigetsu's room and insist they have make-up sex._

What would you do if you woke up to find Suigetsu naked in your bed?

_Since I'm not certain who he was trying to get with (I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be me), I would take him to Karin or Sasuke's room._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_As Kisame is much older than I am and I'm fairly convinced that he is straight, I hope and pray that this never happens._

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasuke naked in your bed?

_I would assume that he had barely escaped from Karin and/or Suigetsu and leave him alone. The poor man could use some rest._

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_I deeply respect Zetsu and firmly believe that he would never do anything of this nature unless he was mortally wounded and required help._

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_If Leader is okay with this, I would greatly enjoy the experience._

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_As long as Konan is there and she's the one I get to play with, I'm game._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_I would probably leave Team Hawk and Akatsuki. For the record, I don't like Uchiha males in that way. However, if Itachi left any females alive, you know where to find me._

**

* * *

Interview with Akatsuki Associate Suigetsu Houzuki**

What are your goals?

_Collecting all seven swords. _

Who do you want to fight most?

_Kisame._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_I didn't leave voluntarily. I was kidnapped. There is a difference._

Who is your best friend? Why?

_Sasuke. I love his power._

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_Kisame's a member, and it is a lot easier to find him when you work for the same people._

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_It's not exactly my favorite technique, but I can dissolve my entire body into water. This comes in very handy when people are trying to slice your head off._

What is your sexual orientation?

_Bisexual._

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_What part of I go both ways, do people not understand? There is no need to change my orientation._

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_No. Fortunately, my encounters with Orochimaru were limited._

What would you do if you woke up to find Karin naked in your bed?

_I would tape her mouth shut and enjoy._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_I would kill him and take Samehada which would have to recognize me as its new owner since I killed its previous owner._

What would you do if you woke up to find Jugo naked in your bed?

_He's not bad looking, but I don't think that would happen._

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasuke naked in your bed?

_Thanks the gods and pin him to the bed._

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_Run._

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_I would offer to nail her if her partner nails me._

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_I would explain that I can only handle one of him at a time._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_I haven't actually seen Madara-sama's face, so I'm not sure. If he looks like Sasuke, then all bets are off._

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_The latest intel shows that the Kyuubi jinchuriki is pretty cute, so I would probably make sure he does not die a virgin._

**

* * *

Interview with Akatsuki Associate Karin**

What are your goals?

_I have two goals. 1) Beat Suigetsu to a bloody pulp. 2)Amass a large perfume collection._

Who do you want to fight most?

_Suigetsu._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_I did not betray my country and I resent the insinuation that I would or did. I was orphaned when my village was annihilated during a war. Orochimaru saw my potential, took me in, and arranged for me to be trained in the ninja arts._

Who is your best friend? Why?

_Sasuke. As for why, have you looked at him lately?_

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_Sasuke needs them. That's enough of a reason for me._

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_Kagura Shingan is my favorite and most valuable technique. _

What is your sexual orientation?

_I'm straight, as in I like males, particularly Uchiha ones._

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_Would it get Sasuke in my bed? If not, then no._

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_No._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_I would assume that he got drunk and took a wrong turn on the way to his room. I would quietly sneak out and pray that he never realized I was there._

What would you do if you woke up to find Suigetsu naked in your bed?

_Strangle him._

What would you do if you woke up to find Jugo naked in your bed?

_I would assume that he was sent in place of Sasuke and kindly reject him. I'm saving that for one person and one person only._

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasuke naked in your bed?

_I would prove to him that I will do anything he likes and pray that I get pregnant during the encounter._

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_Plead for my life._

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_I would swallow hard and do whatever she wants me to. I can't take her in battle and I'm not about to try._

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_I would pray that Konan was okay with whatever he wanted me to do and hope that Sasuke would believe me when I said I really didn't want to be with him._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_Does he look anything like Sasuke or Itachi? If he does, I would so go for this. Even if he looks a little aged, I might be okay with it. I mean the babies would still be cute._

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_The Kyuubi jinchuriki is good looking, but he's a different type of good looking than Sasuke. Still, if getting him in bed would get Sasuke in my room, I'd do it. As for capturing him, he and Sasuke did know each other as children and I wouldn't do anything to hurt Sasuke, so I would leave that decision up to him._

**

* * *

A Special Note**

There will be personalized edits and comments to the above interviews. Unfortunately, they are using the initial responses as part of their employee performance reviews and psychological assessments. They will not send me the interview comments and edits until after they discuss their reactions with the employee in question.

I love reviews. Reviews, favorites, etc. are the only payment I receive for this and are much appreciated.


	19. Letters to Madara

Dear Uchiha-san,

After a great deal of soul searching, I find myself unable to continue with this project. As enjoyable as working with you has been, continuing this project has the potential to damage my other career and that isn't a risk I can afford to take.

As of today, I wish to exercise the out clause in my contract. I understand that I am not permitted to reveal any of the specific organizational information discussed and/or redacted from the original handbook in the course of this venture. I have neither the desire nor the inclination to do so at this time.

While our working relationship has always been cordial, dare I say friendly, I feel I must remind you that you agreed to not reveal any information regarding my personal works. Should such an event occur, I will be forced to reveal the information covered under the confidentiality clause. As I said, this is just a reminder. I am certain you won't do anything that would damage the integrity of our contract.

Thank you for the opportunity to work with you.

Sincerely,

Lady Khali

* * *

**Dear Lady Khali,**

**I knew this day was coming, but I hoped it wouldn't come as quickly as it did. While I am saddened that you and I will no longer collaborate on this project, I wish you the best in your future endeavors. **

**I still don't understand why you'd rather write about demons, design knitting patterns, and code websites, but I am trying to be understanding, or at least as understanding as someone in my position can be. When I think about the organizational secrets I revealed to you... Well, as long as you abide by the confidentiality clause in your contract, there shouldn't be any issues. I'll keep my mouth shut as long as you will.**

**While it's not expressly in your contract, I am hoping you will find a new editor for us. As I'm sure you are aware, traveling between my world and yours is fraught with many perils (which is the primary reason you are still alive after threatening me in your previous letter), and I prefer to not take unnecessary risks. I will be happy to reimburse you at your usual hourly rate.**

**Sincerely,**

**Uchiha Madara****, President and Chairman of Akastuki, LLC**

**P.S. Have you given any thought to the question I asked you in my previous correspondence?**

**

* * *

**

Dear Uchiha-San,

I'm pleased we are able to part on such good terms. A mutual confidentiality agreement suits both our situations and I am willing to abide by it as long as you are.

I have also located a new editor for you. Her name is Phantom Flower. Her voice and wit is a perfect match for you and your ongoing project. I have attached her writing sample, a short resume, and her contact information. While many contacted me for the job, she is the one I feel is the best match for your project.

She has agreed to post the handbook in its entirety, maintain it, and work with you on future additions. I feel that I should warn you that she will probably not be as tolerant of some of your chauvinistic views as I was.

In answer to your earlier question about how I would take down Konoha, I didn't answer initially because I felt that you would vehemently disagree with my opinion and talking to walls has never been my favorite pastime. In short, I would track their bank accounts and undercut their position with the the daimyo by both undercutting their prices and some rumor mongering. As you well know, nin do not work for free. I would attack their ability to pay their people long before I attacked them.

Sincerely,

Lady Khali

Attachment: Invoice3192

* * *

**Dear Lady Khali,**

**Recent deaths in the organization have delayed this writing and even now I am scrambling to fill the available positions.**

**Thank you for recommending Phantom Flower to me. As of this writing, she has posted the handbook in its entirety along with a few necessary updates. This is an Employee Handbook after all and it should reflect changes in the organization. You may take down your version as hers is now the most current version.**

**Thank you again for your assistance.**

**Sincerely,**

**Uchiha Madara, President and Chairman of Akastuki, LLC**

**P.S. Kakuzu's job is still available if you want it. I've tested my transportation jutsu and I know I can import personnel if need be. I will even arrange a safe place for you to work with no fighting. You may wear whatever you choose, and I won't assign you a partner unless you ask for one.**

**

* * *

**

Dear Uchiha-San,

I'm glad to hear the handbook is once again back on track. I will remove my version in a few days.

Thank you for the job offer. While it is a wonderful opportunity and I am truly flattered, I must decline. If the position is still open in a few years and your survival rate has improved, contact me again and I'll reconsider my position.

Sincerely,

Lady Khali


End file.
